How to Open Insurance: A Comedy of Errors (and Premiums)
Disclaimer: This guide is written with the assumption you've already exhausted self-medicating with bubble wrap and interpretive dance to cope with life's uncertainties.
Step 1: Deciding What You Actually Need to Insure
Tip: Pause whenever something stands out.
- Life? Bold move. Consider the odds: getting struck by lightning while winning the lottery while riding a unicycle made of cheese. Statistically, you're safer juggling rabid badgers.
- Your stuff? Sure, protect your porcelain unicorn collection and that signed toaster oven (don't ask). But remember, insurance won't cover emotional damage from your neighbor winning the "World's Most Interesting Lawn Gnome" competition.
- Your pet goldfish, Bubbles? You monster. But, okay, fine. Just don't blame us if the only payout is a free bag of fish food and a discount on tiny coffins.
Tip: A slow, careful read can save re-reading later.
 |
| How To Open Insurance |
Step 2: Choosing an Insurance Company
Tip: Take mental snapshots of important details.
- Go with the one with the talking lizard mascot. They seem trustworthy, right? Plus, those commercials are hilarious (unless you have arachnophobia).
- Pick the one with the most freebies. Toasters! Travel mugs! Emergency yo-yos for existential dread! Who can resist? Just remember, those "free" gifts are probably factored into your premium, meaning you're basically paying for a toaster you'll never use.
- Ask your grandma. She probably has a life insurance policy older than you and still believes dial-up is the future. Trust her wisdom, but maybe double-check the policy doesn't involve sacrificing a goat to appease the insurance gods.
Step 3: Filling Out the Paperwork (Prepare for Laughs...and Tears)
QuickTip: A careful read saves time later.
- Get ready for questions like: "Have you ever skydived naked while juggling chainsaws?" (Answer: no, but the temptation is always there).
- Medical history? List everything, even that time you tried to impress your date by swallowing a juggling ball (it was a clown-themed restaurant).
- Driving record? Pray you haven't outrun any police ostriches lately. Those things hold grudges.
Step 4: Paying the Premium (Brace Yourself for Sticker Shock)
 |
- Remember that free toaster? Yeah, say goodbye to its delicious golden warmth. Your bank account will be colder than a penguin's armpit after buying an insurance policy.
- Consider bartering. Offer your neighbor your porcelain unicorn collection in exchange for covering your firstborn's college tuition (just kidding...or am I?).
Bonus Tip: If all else fails, just build a giant bubble wrap fort around yourself and hope for the best. It's not the most practical solution, but hey, at least you'll be comfy while the world crumbles around you.
Remember: Insurance is a gamble. You pay a bunch of money, hoping you never have to actually use it. It's like buying a fire extinguisher and praying your house never catches fire...while simultaneously juggling chainsaws and riding a unicycle made of cheese. Good luck!
P.S. Don't blame us if your insurance covers everything except that unfortunate incident with the dancing lawn gnomes. We warned you.
 |
