Welcome to Vice City, Rookie: A Hilariously Unhelpful Guide to GTA 6's First Mission
So, you've snagged a copy of GTA 6, the game everyone's been hyped about since, well, the dinosaurs last roamed the earth. You downloaded the 300GB update, bribed your neighbor for their vintage neon rollerblades, and even convinced your grandma she needs a flamethrower for "gardening." Now, you're staring at the screen, controller twitchy in your clammy hands, wondering... how the heck do you even start this tropical tornado of chaos?
Fear not, intrepid ne'er-do-well, for I, your friendly neighborhood internet sage (and self-proclaimed Grand Theft Auto guru), am here to guide you through the first mission like a neon-soaked Virgil navigating the underworld. Just remember, my advice comes with a free side of sarcasm and a dash of self-preservation cynicism. Buckle up, buttercup, because Vice City ain't for the faint of flip-flop.
1. Choose Your Weapon: Brains or Bullets (Emphasis on "Or")
The first hurdle is picking your playable character. You got Lucia, the street-smart hustler with a switchblade sharper than her mama's tongue. Or there's Jason, the muscle-bound ex-military dude whose biceps could probably bench-press a yacht. Don't overthink it. Pick whoever looks like they'd survive a bar fight with a flamingo (hint: it's not Jason).
2. "Welcome to the Jungle": A Tutorial in Tropical Mayhem
Your intro mission? Infiltrating a glitzy Vice City nightclub disguised as... wait for it... a catering waiter. Yes, you heard that right. Turns out, stealing canapés is the new black in this town. Just remember, blending in means mastering the art of the limp wrist and the vacant stare. Think Zoolander, not Jason Bourne.
Subheading: Pro Tip: Avoid the hors d'oeuvres with toothpicks. Trust me.
Things, of course, go hilariously sideways faster than a greased-up iguana on roller skates. Cue the gunfights, the car chases, the explosions that'll make Michael Bay weep with envy. Just keep two things in mind:
- Duck, Weave, Dodge, Repeat: Remember that scene from The Matrix where Neo dodges bullets? Yeah, that's basically you, except with less leather and more questionable fashion choices.
- Friends With Benefits: Those random NPCs you pass on the street? They're not just props. Bribe them, threaten them, heck, even serenade them with your off-key karaoke skills. You never know when a grandma with a flamethrower might come in handy.
3. Escape to Paradise (or at Least the Next Mission)
With the nightclub in smoking ruins and the cops hot on your tail, it's time to make a grand exit. Think outside the box, rookie. A jetpack made of pool noodles and duct tape? Sure, why not? A flamingo chariot pulled by a pack of rabid chihuahuas? Go for it! Just remember, the only rule in Vice City is there are no rules (except maybe don't wear socks with sandals. Seriously, just don't).
Bonus Round: Easter Eggs and Shenanigans
While you're busy wreaking havoc, keep your eyes peeled for hidden gems. A talking parrot with a gambling addiction? A secret Elvis impersonator contest in a swamp? A dance-off with a manatee wearing a sequined speedo? Vice City is chock-full of absurdities, so embrace the weird, the wacky, and the downright nonsensical.
So there you have it, folks, your crash course in GTA 6's first mission. Remember, laughter is the best medicine, especially when you're being chased by a horde of angry tourists armed with selfie sticks. Now go forth, rookie, and paint Vice City red (or neon pink, or maybe puke green, who am I to judge?). Just don't blame me when you end up on the front page of the Vice City Herald next to an article about a rogue flamingo cult.
Happy gaming, you glorious misfits!
