How to Apply America: A Non-Guaranteed Guide for Aspiring Patriots (and Mildly Delusional Dreamers)
Ah, America. Land of the free, home of the brave, and the undeniable source of 90% of my Netflix queue. But for those of us not already sporting stars and stripes onesies, the question remains: how does one actually apply America? Fear not, intrepid citizens of the world, for I, your friendly neighborhood internet oracle, have compiled this totally legit (maybe) guide to becoming a bona fide American.
Step 1: Master the Language (Bonus Points for Texan)
Forget French, ditch the Duolingo, because all you need to conquer the linguistic frontier is:
- "Y'all:" The universal pronoun, applicable to one person, ten people, or a squirrel you vaguely remember feeding last Tuesday.
- "Hold my beer:" A pre-emptive disclaimer before attempting anything vaguely dangerous (or involving glitter).
- "Bless your heart:" Southern hospitality code for "Honey, you done messed up good."
- "That's what she said:" Because every conversation needs a good dose of awkward sexual innuendo.
Step 2: Embrace the National Pastimes (Football is Not Just Kicking Things)
Tip: Don’t skim past key examples.
Sure, you might know soccer as "football," but here, it involves pads, helmets, and enough strategizing to launch a moon mission. Bonus points if you can name all 50 states while simultaneously explaining the offside rule.
Pro Tip: Wearing a cheesehead to a random sporting event guarantees instant acceptance (and possibly projectile dairy products).
Step 3: Master the Culinary Art of Deep-Frying Everything (Except Maybe Passports)
Tip: Absorb, don’t just glance.
Twinkies? Deep-fried. Avocados? Deep-fried. Your existential dread? Probably not, but hey, you never know until you try. Remember, in America, the only thing that shouldn't be deep-fried is your bank account.
 |
Step 4: Pledge Allegiance to the Almighty Mall (and Its Glorious Food Court)
Forget cathedrals, the true American place of worship is the four-story behemoth housing everything from pretzel stands to discount nail salons. Be prepared to barter for the perfect pair of jeans, and pray to the deity of free samples for sustenance.
Tip: Reread slowly for better memory.
Step 5: Channel Your Inner Reality TV Star (Drama is Always in Season)
America runs on the lifeblood of competition, whether it's baking the fluffiest cupcake or arguing about who saw Bigfoot first. Hone your skills in passive-aggressive one-liners and prepare to throw some serious shade, because in this game, there's only one winner (and it's probably not you, sorry).
Bonus Round: Optional, but Highly Recommended:
Tip: Summarize each section in your own words.
- Develop an unhealthy obsession with celebrity gossip (knowing the Kardashians' middle names is practically patriotic).
- Acquire a pet bald eagle (not responsible for accidental national park fires).
- Master the art of complaining about taxes while simultaneously benefiting from all the free stuff (libraries! public parks! that weird guy on the corner juggling chainsaws!).
Disclaimer: This guide is for entertainment purposes only and may not actually result in American citizenship. Please consult your nearest bald eagle for official government regulations (and maybe some snacks, because those guys eat like kings).
So there you have it, folks! Your comprehensive (and slightly tongue-in-cheek) guide to applying America. Remember, the most important ingredient is a hefty dose of humor, a sprinkle of self-deprecation, and enough optimism to power a small sun. Now go forth and conquer, my friends, just don't forget to pack your sense of adventure (and maybe a really good lawyer).
 |
