So You Want to See the Mormons Rock Broadway (and Your Abs): A Hilariously Helpful Guide to Snagging "Book of Mormon" Tickets
Ah, "The Book of Mormon." The musical that's about as subtle as a banana in a fruit salad. Hilariously offensive, surprisingly sweet, and guaranteed to leave you with more side-splitting memories than a clown convention on roller skates. But before you can belt out "Turn it Off" at the top of your lungs, you gotta snag those golden tickets. And let me tell you, my friend, that's an adventure in itself.
Step 1: Accept that You're Paying for Sin (and Show Tunes)
Look, these ain't your grandma's "Sound of Music" tickets. We're talking Broadway, baby, and Broadway ain't cheap. Prepare to cough up more dough than a bakery during a flour shortage. But hey, think of it as an investment in eternal laughter (or at least until the awkward silence kicks in during "I Believe").
Step 2: Master the Art of the Online Hunt (May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor)
QuickTip: Check if a section answers your question.
Websites, my friend, websites. They're like the Hunger Games for theatre nerds. You gotta be faster than a tap-dancing grandma during bingo night to score those prime seats. Be prepared to stalk refresh buttons, wrestle bots for digital scraps, and maybe even sell your firstborn (don't worry, nobody wants a child named Nephi anyway).
Step 3: Embrace the Rush (You Daredevil, You!)
Feeling frisky? Then the rush line is your playground. It's basically a conga line of hopeful theatregoers, all praying to the Broadway gods for a taste of Elder Price's abs. Be prepared for early mornings, questionable hygiene, and the occasional existential crisis as you realize you might be surrounded by more spandex than a Cirque du Soleil audition.
Tip: Don’t just scroll — pause and absorb.
Step 4: Befriend a Mormon (They Might Have Connections)
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Okay, this one's a bit out there, but hey, desperate times call for desperate measures. Befriend a Mormon missionary. Offer them cookies, listen to their spiel about baptism (bonus points if you pretend to be interested), and then casually slip in, "Hey, you wouldn't happen to know anyone with spare 'Book of Mormon' tickets, would you?" It's a long shot, but hey, you might just score an invite to a potluck with enough Jell-O to fill a swimming pool.
Step 5: Channel Your Inner Gambler (The Lottery Awaits!)
Tip: Reread slowly for better memory.
Feeling lucky? Then dive into the online lottery! It's basically like playing the slots, but instead of losing money on questionable fruit symbols, you might just win a seat in the orchestra pit. Just remember, the odds are about as good as finding a decent cup of coffee in Utah (sorry, not sorry).
Bonus Tip: Embrace the Power of Bribery (Just Kidding... Kind Of)
Look, I'm not saying to offer the usher a wad of cash for a front-row seat, but hey, a well-placed compliment about their mustache might just work wonders. Just remember, keep it PG-13, because let's be honest, nobody wants to explain "Spooky Mormon Hell" to the security guard.
Tip: Skim only after you’ve read fully once.
There you have it, folks! Your hilarious (and slightly desperate) guide to snagging "Book of Mormon" tickets. Now go forth, theater nerds, and may the odds be ever in your favor! Just remember, even if you end up sitting behind a dude with questionable body odor, the show is still worth it. Because if you can't laugh at offensive religious satire, what can you laugh at?
(Disclaimer: I, in no way, condone bribery or the selling of children. Please enjoy the show responsibly and legally.)
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