So You Think You Can Outrun a Hospital Bill? A Hilarious Guide to Insuring Your Ambulance Joyride
Disclaimer: This is not actual financial advice. If you're seriously injured, call 911 and let the professionals handle the paperwork (while you scream in the back, obviously). This is just for those of us who like to live on the edge...of our medical insurance plans.
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| How To Insurance An Ambulance |
Step 1: Embrace the Inner Daredevil.
Let's face it, folks. Taking an uninsured ambulance ride is basically skydiving into a vat of medical bills. But hey, where's the adrenaline rush in playing it safe? Buckle up, buttercup, we're going on a financial rollercoaster!
Sub-step 1a: Channel Your Inner MacGyver.
Remember that episode where he used a paperclip and a chewing gum wrapper to jumpstart a spaceship? That's the kind of creative thinking you need here. Can you convince your insurance company that your neighbor's lawnmower was actually a rogue rhinoceros attacking you with hedge clippers? (Bonus points if you get them to cover the lawnmower damage too.)
Tip: Break down complex paragraphs step by step.
Step 1b: Befriend a Time Traveler.
Borrow their DeLorean and hop back to the pre-Obamacare era. Enjoy affordable healthcare while simultaneously messing up the space-time continuum! Just make sure Biff doesn't get your insurance money.
Step 2: Choose Your Apocalypse.
Tip: Don’t just scroll — pause and absorb.
Option A: The "Hail Mary" Hailstorm:
Convince your insurer that a hailstorm of medical bills descended upon you, each one the size of a grapefruit and adorned with tiny lawyers in monocles. Bonus points if you claim the hailstones were genetically engineered by Big Pharma.
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Option B: The "Alien Probe Mishap":
Tip: Rest your eyes, then continue.
Explain how an extraterrestrial probing went awry, leaving you with an inexplicable need for ambulance-assisted intergalactic relocation. Just remember, if they ask for proof, say it's classified. Top. Secret. Squirrel Business.
Step 3: Embrace the Art of the Bargain.
Negotiate with the ambulance driver. Offer to pay in Monopoly money, questionable life advice, or a lifetime supply of slightly used Band-Aids. Remember, desperation is your best bargaining chip.
Step 4: Prepare for the Worst (and Hope for the Best):
QuickTip: Slow down when you hit numbers or data.
Stock up on ramen noodles and learn to barter cigarettes for medical supplies. Brush up on your courtroom skills, you might need to fight those pesky debt collectors. And, most importantly, pray that your hospital bill doesn't come with its own ambulance.
Remember, folks, this is all in good fun (and a smidge of financial terror). Always prioritize your health and safety, and if you need medical attention, call 911. Unless, of course, you've befriended a time traveler...then, who knows, maybe the DeLorean is waiting!
P.S. If you manage to pull off any of these insurance shenanigans, please, for the love of all that is holy, share your story. We need a hero in this financial wasteland!
P.P.S. Seriously, though, get health insurance. Your future self will thank you. Or, at least, have enough ramen to drown their sorrows in.
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