So You Think You Can Guard? A Hilarious (Mostly) Guide to Joining the National Guard
Tired of Netflix asking if you're still watching? Yearning for adventure beyond microwaved burritos and existential dread? Well, my friend, have I got the solution for you – drumroll please… the National Guard!
Yes, the National Guard. I know, I know, it sounds about as exciting as watching paint dry, but trust me, it's like paint dry with explosions, camaraderie, and the sweet, sweet satisfaction of saving kittens from trees (or maybe that's just the Air Force).
But before you strap on your camo Crocs and start practicing your salute, let's break down the "how-to" with a dash of humor and a sprinkle of reality (don't worry, it's the sprinkles of fun kind of reality).
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| How To Join The National Guard |
Step 1: Eligibility Shenanigans:
QuickTip: Reread tricky spots right away.
Think you're too old, too young, or too allergic to grass? Think again! The Guard welcomes folks from 17 to 35 (with parental permission for the wee ones, of course). Just make sure you're a US citizen (or permanent resident with an eagle obsession) and have a high school diploma or GED (because let's face it, knowing the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell might not come in handy during… uh… squirrel patrol).
Oh, and the ASVAB test. It's like the SAT, but with more questions about assembling MREs (mystery meat rations, anyone?) and less about existential angst (although, there might be some of that later).
Step 2: Recruit Me, Maybe:
Note: Skipping ahead? Don’t miss the middle sections.
Time to find your local recruiter. Think of them as your fairy godmothers (or fathers, or non-binary mentors!) to the land of fatigues and fancy footwork. They'll answer your questions (even the weird ones, like "can I bring my emotional support llama to basic training?"), guide you through the paperwork (because who actually enjoys that?), and get you prepped for…
Step 3: Boot Camp Bonanza:
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Ten weeks of basic training. Think summer camp on steroids, with less tie-dye and more push-ups. You'll learn to crawl through mud, fire weapons that go boom, and sing cadence calls that'll make your grandma blush (but secretly love). It's tough, it's grueling, it's… character-building! (Plus, free food, so there's that.)
Tip: The details are worth a second look.
Step 4: Guardin' Time:
Welcome to your unit! Now, it's not all weekend warrior-ing and rappelling off buildings (although, some units do that… lucky ducks). You'll train one weekend a month, maybe deploy overseas or respond to natural disasters, and generally be the badass, boots-on-the-ground heroes your community needs (while still holding down that sweet civilian job, because bills, gotta pay 'em).
Tip: Reread slowly for better memory.
The Perks (besides saving the world):
- Education benefits: GI Bill, baby! College for cheap, or even free. Now you can finally learn why the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell (and hopefully use it in a sentence that doesn't involve squirrel patrol).
- Job training: Learn valuable skills like mechanics, cyber security, or even becoming a medic (because who doesn't want to play doctor with real people, not just dolls?).
- Travel (sometimes to exciting places, sometimes to not-so-exciting places, but hey, at least you'll have stories!): Think sand, surf, and saving lives in sunny Puerto Rico… or braving the Alaskan tundra to… uh… count penguins? (Okay, maybe not penguins, but you get the idea.)
- Camaraderie: You'll bond with your fellow Guardsmen over shared experiences, inside jokes, and the occasional near-death experience (don't worry, they're mostly near).
So, there you have it. The (mostly) hilarious guide to joining the National Guard. It's not for everyone, but if you're looking for adventure, purpose, and a chance to wear fatigues that actually look good (seriously, some of those uniforms are snazzy!), then give it a go.
Just remember, with great Guarding power comes great Guarding responsibility. So be prepared to save kittens, sing cadence calls in public, and maybe, just maybe, repel down a building or two.
Now, go forth and Guard! Just don't forget the sunscreen (and maybe a therapist, basic training can be… intense).
P.S. If you see a guy in Crocs doing push-ups in his living room, that's probably me. Don
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