Big Apple, Big Pumps: A New Yorker's Guide to Not Exploding at the Gas Station
So you've found yourself in the concrete jungle, where dreams are made of...and apparently, gas pumps operated by mythical creatures called "attendants." Fear not, out-of-towner, for this is your crash course in New York gas-pumping etiquette, guaranteed to turn you from a sputtering jalopy to a smooth-cruising taxi in no time. (Disclaimer: actual taxi-driving skills not included.)
Step 1: Locate the Pump (and Try Not to Panic)
First things first, ditch the Uber. You're here for an authentic New York experience, and that includes the existential dread of parallel parking a Kia Rio next to a Hummer while pigeons judge your every move. Embrace the chaos, find a sliver of space that vaguely resembles a parking spot, and pray the hydrant isn't feeling vengeful today.
Sub-step 1a: The Gas Attendant Mystery:
Look, I know what you're thinking. "Aren't these magical beings supposed to materialize and fill my tank with unicorn tears?" Not always, my friend. Attendants in New York are like Broadway ghosts – sometimes they're there, sometimes they're not, and you're never quite sure if you're hallucinating from exhaust fumes or just living the New York dream.
Step 2: Fuel Selection: A Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Novel
Congratulations, you've found a pump! Now comes the real test: deciphering the hieroglyphics on the fuel selection screen. Regular? Unleaded? Premium...with sprinkles? Don't worry, friend, just remember this: unless your car runs on artisanal kombucha, stick to "Regular." Your engine will thank you, and your wallet won't cry.
Sub-step 2a: The Diesel Dilemma:
If you drive a vehicle that sounds like a pack of angry lawnmowers, step away from the pump, my friend. You've entered diesel territory, and unless you want your engine to sing the blues, find a different pump faster than a bodega cat chases a rogue hot dog.
Step 3: Pump Like a Pro (or at Least Don't Set Yourself on Fire)
Grab the nozzle, unscrew the gas cap (lefty loosey!), and resist the urge to light a cigarette. Seriously, folks, this isn't a Tarantino movie. Insert the nozzle, gently squeeze the trigger (no death grips!), and watch the numbers on the pump tick up like your anxiety during rush hour.
Sub-step 3a: The Premature Click-Off Conundrum:
Don't be that person who stops pumping every five seconds because the gas gauge twitches. Let the pump do its thing, unless, of course, you're filling a thimble-sized Smart car. Then maybe a quick tap is all you need.
Step 4: Payment: Cash, Card, or Barter with Pigeons?
Most pumps offer the holy trinity of payment options: cash, credit, and sometimes even tap-to-pay (because who carries cash anymore, besides those pigeons hoarding dollar bills?). Choose your poison, swipe, insert, or pray the pigeons accept your half-eaten bagel as collateral.
Step 5: The Grand Escape (Bonus Round: Avoiding Door Dings)
Congratulations, you've conquered the New York gas pump! Now comes the real challenge: navigating out of that parking spot without collecting a souvenir door ding from a passing delivery truck. Remember, slow and steady wins the race (and avoids bodywork bills).
Bonus Tip: Leave a small offering of gumdrops for the gas station cat. They might not be mythical attendants, but they'll judge you just the same.
So there you have it, folks. Your crash course in New York gas-pumping. Remember, breathe, stay calm, and don't forget the gumdrops. And if all else fails, just flag down a taxi and blame it on the existential dread. They'll understand.
Sincerely,
Your friendly neighborhood New Yorker (who still occasionally panics at the gas station)
