Victoria 3: From Golden Scrooge to Glorious Golden Goose - How to Blow That Shiny Pile of Cash
Ah, gold. The lifeblood of nations, the bane of pirates, and the most satisfying sound when it plinks into your treasury in Victoria 3. But what to do with that ever-growing mountain of bullion? Staring at a maxed-out reserve is like watching paint dry, except the paint costs $10,000 a bucket and whispers sweet nothings about inflation. Fear not, my budget-busting brethren, for I present to you...
The Glorious Guide to Gilding Your Game:
Tip: Highlight what feels important.
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| How To Spend Gold Reserves Victoria 3 |
1. Impress the Masses:
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Golden Showers for All! Drench your pops in luxury. Upgrade every building with gold accents - toilets of solid gold, doorknobs inlaid with rubies, and sidewalks paved with crushed diamonds (it's good for the cobblestones!). Prepare for a surge in national happiness as your citizens slip and slide on their gleaming paths, muttering, "Thank the Queen, these diamonds really bring out the glint in my monocle!"
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Giant Golden Monuments, Obviously: A hundred meters tall? Pah! Why not a kilometer?! Build statues of yourself so big they cast shadows over entire continents. Bonus points if you wear a toga while unveiling it, dramatically declaring, "I am Colossus, ruler of the Sun!" (Note: toga not included in Victoria 3, toga-making skills highly recommended.)
QuickTip: Stop and think when you learn something new.
2. Diplomacy with a Punch:
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Bribe Everyone! Who needs alliances when you can buy love? Shower rival nations with gold like confetti at a Tsarist wedding. They'll be too busy counting their ducats to remember your past transgressions, like, say, that time you "borrowed" their entire navy. Just make sure you have enough left to buy an army when they inevitably realize you're the world's richest kleptomaniac.
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The Golden Arms Race: Outspend your enemies into oblivion! Build the biggest, baddest navy the world has ever seen, even if it means your ships are held together by duct tape and dreams. Just imagine the fear in their eyes as your fleet of gilded galleons sails into port, cannons loaded with... more gold! Take that, Prussia! We win the war of bling!
3. Research and Development (AKA, More Shiny Things):
Tip: Reading twice doubles clarity.
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Fund a Time Machine Made of Pure Gold: Screw the future, let's rewrite the past! Imagine going back and gifting Napoleon a solid gold bicorne hat. Or convincing Julius Caesar to write his memoirs on papyrus dipped in liquid gold. The possibilities are endless, and potentially disastrous. But hey, who cares about consequences when you're richer than Croesus on payday?
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Unlock the Secrets of Alchemy: Turn that pesky coal into sparkling diamonds! Fuel your factories with molten gold! Bathe your citizens in the ethereal glow of edible platinum! Research so advanced, even Einstein would need a monocle just to see what's going on. Remember, with enough gold, science is merely a suggestion.
4. The Grand Golden Giveaway:
Tip: Watch for summary phrases — they give the gist.
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Host the Most Ridiculous Games the World Has Ever Seen: Chariot races where the horses wear diamond shoes? Jousting tournaments with solid gold lances? Blindfolded hopscotch on fields of pearls? Unleash your inner Roman emperor and throw the most extravagant, nonsensical games the world has ever witnessed. Just make sure you have enough popcorn (preferably gold-dusted) for the inevitable riots.
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Launch Golden Coins into Space: Why build a moon base when you can rain gold on the lunar surface? Imagine the headlines: "Victoria 3 Nation Funds Interplanetary Gilding Project - Is This Responsible?" Who cares about responsibility when you can claim the moon for the Golden Horde? (Side note: don't blame me if space pirates become a thing.)
Disclaimer: This guide is for entertainment purposes only. Spending all your gold in Victoria 3 may or may not lead to economic collapse, social unrest, and international ridicule. Use at your own risk, and remember, laughter is the best medicine... especially when gilded with a healthy dose of absurdity. Now go forth, my friends, and paint the world gold, one ridiculous expense at a time!
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