So You Want to Fund a Felon's Fabulous Prison Life? A Hilarious Guide to Sending Money Behind Bars (But Seriously, Here's How)
Let's face it, prison ain't exactly the Ritz-Carlton. But that doesn't mean your incarcerated acquaintance can't enjoy a few creature comforts – Ramen noodles with mystery meat get old fast. If you're feeling generous (or maybe they have some dirt on you, no judgment!), you might be wondering how to fund their fancy (or not-so-fancy) prison lifestyle.
First Things First: Not All Prisons Are Created Equal (Especially When It Comes to Payments)
Jails have different rules than prisons, federal facilities have different systems than state prisons, and it can all feel very Kafkaesque. Don't worry, we won't get existential on you. But the key takeaway is: find out the specific prison's policy. Their website (yes, prisons have those now) or a quick phone call to the warden's office (good luck getting them on the line, they're probably dodging celebrity calls) should clear things up.
Now, Let's Get Down to Brass Tacks (or Should We Say Clink Cash?)
There are a few ways to grease the financial wheels of your inmate's incarceration:
- Debit Card Dash: Speedy and Secure (But Maybe a Bit Boring) Many prisons have hopped on the digital bandwagon and allow you to send money with a debit card online. It's fast, convenient, and avoids the whole "accidentally sending a wad of cash in the mail" situation (unless that's your thing, no shame).
- Money Order Mania: The Old-Fashioned Way (Because Sometimes Prisons Are Stuck in the Past) For those of us who miss the simpler times (rotary phones and dial-up internet, anyone?), money orders are still a valid option in many prisons. Just be sure to follow the prison's instructions to a T – they can be pickier than a librarian with a Dewey Decimal system malfunction.
- Cash Calamity: Not Recommended (Mostly Because It's a Security Nightmare) Sending actual cash is usually a big no-no. It's a security risk for everyone involved, and you definitely don't want your friend to get into trouble for trying to bribe the guards with a twenty-dollar bill (although, let's be honest, that wouldn't get you very far).
Important Side Note: Don't Get Scammed by Sneaky Sneaks!
There are some unscrupulous characters out there who prey on people's desire to help their incarcerated loved ones. Be cautious of any third-party companies promising to send money to prisoners for exorbitant fees. Stick to the methods approved by the prison itself.
Finally, Remember: This Money Isn't Funding a Luxury Spa Weekend (But It Might Buy Some Decent Ramen)
The money you send goes towards your friend's commissary account, which they can use to buy things like toiletries, snacks, and maybe even some educational courses (gotta keep those minds sharp!). It's not going to finance a prison break (although that would be a heck of a story).
So, there you have it! With a little research and the right method, you can be your favorite felon's financial fairy godmother (or godfather, we don't discriminate). Now go forth and fund some fancy prison fixings (within reason, of course).
