So You Want to Get Canned from Walmart: A Guide for the Goofball Gig Worker
Ah, Walmart. The retail giant that dispenses bargain bins and dreams in equal measure. But have you ever wondered what it takes to get the boot from this bastion of blue vests and bargain toothpaste? Well, fret no more, my friend, because this handy guide will unveil the glorious (or maybe not-so-glorious) ways to get yourself fired from Walmart.
The Attendance All-Stars (or All-Losers):
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Punching the Clock... with Your Face? While thumbprint scanners are all the rage, rocking up with a dramatic impression of Edvard Munch's "The Scream" probably won't fly. Pro Tip: Aim for a more conventional clock-in method, like, you know, a finger.
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The Disappearing Act: Vanishing like a bargain on Black Friday? Great for snagging the last flatscreen, terrible for keeping your job. Unless you're a master illusionist and can make your department magically restock itself, multiple unexplained absences will land you on the "See Ya Later" list.
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The Champion of Call-Ins: Calling in sick is a right of passage, but at Walmart, call in too often, and you'll be singing the "Employment Blues."
The Champion of Customer Service (Not Really):
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The Honesty Hour: Sure, informing a customer that that bargain-basement wig will make them look like a possessed chia pet might be truthful, but it's not exactly the "can-do" spirit Walmart is after. Remember: A little white lie about how fabulous that wig looks never hurt anyone (except maybe their fashion sense).
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The Great Greeter Gone Rogue: "Welcome to Walmart!" is the standard greeting, not a dramatic reenactment of Hamlet's soliloquy. Save the theatrics for the breakroom, and maybe avoid interpretive dance routines in the cereal aisle.
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The Master of Mayhem: Wrestling a fellow associate over the last pack of discounted Twinkies? Initiating a pillow fight with the feather boas in the seasonal section? While these ideas are undeniably entertaining, they might raise a few red flags with management.
But Wait, There's More!
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The Social Media Hall of Shame: Posting a not-so-flattering picture of the breakroom on your Insta story? Live-tweeting your frustration with a particularly demanding customer? Social media can be a double-edged sword, so be mindful of what you post, especially if it paints Walmart in a less-than-stellar light.
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The Fashion Faux Pas: While ripped jeans might be trendy, they might not be appropriate attire for stocking shelves. Check the dress code, and avoid any sartorial choices that could land you in hot water (or lukewarm water, depending on the breakroom coffee situation).
Remember: Getting fired from Walmart is an art form, and this guide is just a starting point. But hey, if worse comes to worst, at least you'll have a good story to tell (and maybe a lifetime supply of off-brand chips). Just don't blame us when your manager looks at you a little differently after reading this.
