The Desperado's Guide to Scoring that Elusive Blue Tick: A Hilarious Handbook for the Verification Obsessed
Let's face it, folks, the blue tick on social media is the ultimate status symbol. It's like the "verified by your mom" stamp of approval for the digital age. But how, oh how, do you snag one of these coveted badges and join the ranks of the verified elite? Fear not, my friend, for I, your friendly neighborhood internet cynic, am here to guide you through the treacherous waters of verification.
Step 1: Inflating Your Importance (Because Humility Never Got Anyone a Blue Tick)
First things first, you gotta cultivate an aura of importance. Are you a collector of rare Pok�mon spoon forks? SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS! Did you once win a goldfish race at your local fair? That's practically an Olympic feat, my friend! Document every mundane detail of your life and plaster it across the internet. After all, the algorithm needs to know you're practically a one-person reality show.
Tip: Read slowly to catch the finer details.
Pro Tip: Befriend a pigeon. Pigeons are practically social media royalty in the right circles.
Step 2: The Art of the Shameless Self-Promotion (Because Apparently It Works)
Tip: Watch for summary phrases — they give the gist.
Nobody likes a braggart, they say. Well, social media verification might disagree. Casually mention your accomplishments in every other post. Did you, by chance, save a kitten from a tree once? Time to write a 10-part epic about your heroic act (complete with dramatic reenactments using stuffed animals).
Remember: Humility is for chumps. Embrace your inner horn-tooter!
QuickTip: Focus on one paragraph at a time.
 |
Step 3: Befriending Influencers (The Name of the Game is Networking, Baby!)
Influencers are the gatekeepers of cool. Befriend them, shower them with virtual gifts, and maybe, just maybe, they'll mention you in a post. Name-dropping is an art form, folks, master it!
Tip: Reflect on what you just read.
Alternatively: Hire a skywriter to spell out your username over a major city. Subtlety is for the faint of heart.
Step 4: Patience is a Virtue (Unless You're Really, Really Impatient)
The verification process can take longer than your aunt Gertrude's famous fruitcake to bake. So settle in, pour yourself a mimosa, and maybe take up embroidery. Who knows, by the time your masterpiece is finished, that blue tick might just magically appear!
Remember: Verification isn't everything. But hey, if it makes you feel like a digital rockstar, then by all means, keep chasing that blue dream (and maybe lay off the avocado toast for a while to afford that subscription fee ;)).
 |
