You've Been Bit by the Blue Tick Bug: A Hilarious Guide to Getting Verified on Twitter
Ah, the blue tick. That elusive badge of honor in the Twittersphere, separating the mere mortals from the mega-influencers (or at least making it seem that way). You've seen it on the profiles of your favorite celebs, athletes, and even that dog who can skateboard (seriously, that dog is living the life). And let's be honest, a tiny blue checkmark next to your name wouldn't hurt your ego either, would it?
Well, fret no more, fellow tweeters! Because today, we're cracking the code on how to snag that coveted blue verification badge. Just be warned, the journey may be filled with more laughter than likes, but hey, at least you'll be entertained.
Step 1: Become a Master of Self-Importance (Tongue Firmly in Cheek)
QuickTip: Slowing down makes content clearer.
This is where the real work begins. You need to convince Twitter that you are, well, a Very Important Person (VIP). We're talking Gandhi levels of importance, people. So dust off your metaphorical megaphone and start broadcasting your greatness to the world. Tweet profound pronouncements about the weather ("Guys, is it just me, or is this rain suspiciously wet?"). Share selfies with pigeons like they're your new best friends (because apparently, that's what celebrities do). Remember, the key is to act important, even if you feel like a complete imposter.
Step 2: The Art of the Humblebrag (Because Nobody Likes a Braggart)
QuickTip: Keep going — the next point may connect.
Okay, maybe Gandhi wasn't the best example. Here's where the real skill comes in. You need to brag, but in a way that screams, "Oh, this old thing? It's nothing really." Casually mention that you were just hanging out with Elon Musk, discussing the future of, well, everything (because that's what you do with your billionaire buddies, right?). Just make sure your humblebrag is believable. If you claim to have cured world hunger, people might start asking questions.
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Step 3: The Follow Frenzy (But Not That Creepy Kind)
QuickTip: Go back if you lost the thread.
Now, the blue tick gods love them some followers. So, it's time to unleash your inner social butterfly and start following everyone and everything. From your grandma's knitting club to that account dedicated to pictures of abandoned shopping carts (because, hey, who doesn't love a good abandoned shopping cart?), get clicking that follow button like your life depends on it.
Step 4: Patience is a Virtue (Unless You Have Twitter Blue)
Tip: Slow down when you hit important details.
Here's the kicker: There actually is a (slightly) more legitimate way to get verified these days. It's called Twitter Blue, a subscription service that comes with a bunch of perks, including, you guessed it, instant verification (as long as you keep paying, that is). So, if you're impatient and have a spare $11 a month lying around (because that's the current price, but hey, it could change faster than a politician's stance on climate change), this might be the shortcut for you.
Remember, friends, the blue tick is just a badge. It doesn't guarantee fame, fortune, or even a decent Wi-Fi connection. But hey, it does look pretty cool on your profile. So go forth, tweet your heart out, and maybe, just maybe, you'll join the ranks of the verified. And if not, well, at least you'll have a good laugh along the way.
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