Friendship for Dummies: The 2020 Guide to Buying (Not Really Buying) Friends
Ah, friendship. That glorious, heartwarming thing that makes watching rom-coms bearable and high school movies slightly less terrifying. But what if you're stuck friend-zoning the friend zone itself? What if your social battery mysteriously drains faster than your phone on low power mode? Fear not, fellow lonerinos, because this guide will teach you how to, well, not exactly buy a friend, but maybe, just maybe, attract one like a moth to a gloriously weird lamp (which you will totally build together, because that's what friends do).
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| How To Buy A Friend 2020 |
Step 1: Ditch the Dunce Cap, Don the Dale Carnegie Charm
First things first, forget that invisibility cloak you ordered on Wish (sorry, gotta cut your losses there). People can't befriend a walking emoji. Channel your inner Dale Carnegie (charming people whisperer, not the creepy uncle Dale from down the street). Smile, make eye contact (unless you're secretly a vampire, then maybe skip the eye contact), and for the love of all things awkward, avoid the armpit sniff. Trust me, it's a conversation killer that not even duct tape can fix.
Subheading: The Art of Conversation (without sounding like a robot)
QuickTip: Slow scrolling helps comprehension.
People love talking about themselves, so ask questions! "What's the most useless talent you possess?" is a guaranteed conversation starter (mine's the ability to cry on command, but that's a story for another time).
Warning: Avoid topics like the philosophical implications of a talking toaster or your extensive sock puppet collection. These are best left for later friend-bonding sessions, once you've established you're not secretly a supervillain.
Tip: Don’t skim — absorb.
Step 2: Embrace Your Inner Weirdo (Everyone's Got One)
Here's the shocker: normal is boring. People are drawn to authenticity, so don't be afraid to unleash your inner flamingo at a penguin convention (metaphorically speaking, of course. Flamingos are beautiful and majestic creatures).
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Subheading: Friend-Finding Activities for the Socially Awkward
Reminder: Revisit older posts — they stay useful.
- Board Game Bonanza: Who needs fancy clubs when you have Catan and questionable life choices?
- Volunteer Like Nobody's Watching: Helping others is a great way to meet people who share your values (and maybe get free snacks).
- Embrace Your Geekdom: Comic cons, anime marathons, LARPing in the park (just make sure it's a public park) - there's a nerdy tribe for everyone.
Remember: The key is to find people who dig your weirdness. You'll know you've found your squad when they laugh with you (at you, but mostly with you) about your questionable fashion choices.
Step 3: Patience, Grasshopper
Building friendships takes time and effort, like training a particularly stubborn pug. Don't get discouraged if you don't become BFFs with everyone you meet. Focus on quality over quantity. A small group of true friends is worth more than a stadium full of acquaintances who wouldn't recognize you on the street (unless you're wearing that aforementioned questionable outfit).
Tip: Skim only after you’ve read fully once.
The Takeaway:
Friends aren't bought, they're earned (through laughter, shared secrets, and maybe the occasional embarrassing story that will become legendary). So put down the credit card, put on your most dazzlingly weird outfit, and get out there! The world of friendship awaits, and it's full of people who probably also think socks can totally have their own personalities.
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