Friend Zone? More Like Friend For Sale Zone: The Hilarious Guide to Buying Your BFF (Because Apparently, These Days Everything Has a Price Tag)
Let's face it, making friends in the real world is harder than parallel parking a dump truck on a tightrope. School cafeterias are filled with cliques tighter than Kim Kardashian's grip on a selfie stick, and adulting brings its own brand of awkwardness that would make even a penguin blush (trust me, I've seen documentaries).
But fear not, fellow social butterflies (or, perhaps more accurately, social caterpillars)! Because this handy guide will teach you the art of the friend-quisition (yes, I made up that word, but it sounds fancy, right?).
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| How To Buy A Friend Drama |
Step 1: Identifying Your Target Demographic (a.k.a. The Friend You Crave)
The Jock/Jockette: This friend is a guaranteed plus one to any sporting event (as long as you don't mind high-fives that leave your hand numb). Bonus points if they can get you discounts on protein powder.
Tip: Summarize the post in one sentence.
The Nerd Herd: They'll not only explain the plot of Inception, but also probably cosplay it at the next comic-con. Warning: May come with a side of obscure trivia and light saber battles in the living room.
The Social Butterfly: This friend has an ever-expanding rolodex of party invites and inside jokes. Get ready for brunches, bar crawls, and enough gossip to make a daytime talk show jealous.
QuickTip: Read a little, pause, then continue.
The Chill Companion: They're down for movie marathons in pajamas, board game nights that get a little too competitive, and existential discussions about the meaning of life (while eating copious amounts of pizza).
Pro Tip: Remember, you can't just pick a friend off a shelf like a discounted bag of chips. Consider your own personality and interests to find a good match.
QuickTip: Look for lists — they simplify complex points.
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Step 2: Opening Negotiations (a.k.a. How to Not Sound Like a Weirdo)
Gone are the days of awkward cafeteria lunches with hopeful smiles. The modern approach involves a strategic social media follow. Like their vacation pictures, comment on their witty tweets, and maybe even share a funny meme (but for the love of all things holy, avoid minion memes).
Once you've established some online rapport, it's time to make your grand entrance. Don't be creepy and slide into their DMs with a cheesy pick-up line. Instead, casually strike up a conversation in class, at a club meeting, or maybe even by "accidentally" bumping into them at the coffee shop (wink wink).
Tip: Highlight sentences that answer your questions.
Step 3: The Friend-quisition Process (a.k.a. It's Not Really Buying, But It Kinda Feels Like It)
Listen up, this is where the real magic happens. Shower them with kindness! Offer to help with homework, bring them coffee (because apparently, caffeine is the universal language of friendship), or even (gasp!) be their wingman/woman at the next social gathering.
Here's the key: Don't come on too strong or they'll bolt faster than a startled jackrabbit. Subtlety is your friend (well, hopefully they'll become your friend, but you get the idea).
Step 4: The Guarantee (a.k.a. There Are No Refunds on Friends, But Hopefully It Works Out)
There are no guarantees in life, except for death, taxes, and the fact that your new friend will probably borrow your favorite sweater and "accidentally" shrink it. But hey, if you follow these steps, you might just find yourself with a loyal companion who'll be there for movie nights, bad relationship advice sessions, and conquering the ever-daunting world of adulting.
Remember, friends are priceless (although, let's be honest, the amount of coffee and pizza you'll inevitably buy them might make you think otherwise). So go forth and friend-quisitionize! The world (and your social life) needs more laughter and inside jokes.
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