The Ultimate Guide to Buying Friends Online: Not Your Parents' Mail-Order Bride Scheme (But Close!)
Let's face it, making friends in the real world can be a drag. You have to, like, leave your house, shower (sometimes), and shudder interact with actual humans. But fear not, lonely internet dweller! The future of friendship is here, and it comes with free shipping (sometimes).
Here's your one-stop shop for acquiring comrades online, without the hassle of, you know, actual human connection.
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| How To Buy A Friend Online |
Step 1: Choose Your Flavor of Friend
The Paid Pal:
Tip: Use the structure of the text to guide you.
This is where things get interesting. Sites like RentAFriend allow you to rent out companionship by the hour. Need someone to cheer you on through a particularly brutal online game? This is your guy (or gal)! Bonus points if you snag a friend who doubles as a pizza delivery person. Just be sure to negotiate shower frequency in advance.
The Hobby Horse:
QuickTip: Stop scrolling, read carefully here.
Feeling niche? There's a Discord server for that! From competitive crocheting to interpretive dance appreciation, the internet overflows with communities built around the most obscure interests. Find your people, geek out, and maybe even make a long-distance pen pal out of it.
The Pen Pal with Benefits (Emphasis on the Pen):
QuickTip: Read line by line if it’s complex.
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Remember those AOL chatrooms of yore? Well, they've evolved into sleek messaging apps where you can connect with folks worldwide. Just remember, friendships take time and effort, even virtually. Don't expect your Korean pen pal to be your emotional support animal after three emojis and a meme.
Step 2: Crafting the Perfect Profile (Because Nobody Likes a Catfish)
Honesty is the best policy (except when it comes to your real age online). Showcase your quirky interests, your questionable fashion sense (because true friends accept you for who you are!), and maybe even a strategically placed selfie with a slightly-out-of-focus puppy.
Tip: Reread key phrases to strengthen memory.
Pro Tip: If you're looking for a friend who appreciates your collection of porcelain clown dolls, don't bury that lead!
Step 3: The Fine Art of Online Friendliness
Nobody likes a chatterbox, but a mute isn't much fun either. Find a balance! Ask questions, share inside jokes (even if they're just funny to you), and for the love of all things holy, use proper grammar. Nobody wants to be friends with someone who types "ur" all the time.
Step 4: Setting Boundaries (Because Even Online Friends Need Space)
Just because you "bought" a friend (figuratively speaking), doesn't mean they're obligated to be your therapist. Respect their boundaries, don't overshare your existential dread, and remember, friendships are a two-way street (metaphorically speaking, because you haven't actually left your house, have you?).
Remember: Building Real Connections Takes Time (Even When It's Online)
While buying a friend online might sound appealing, there's no substitute for genuine connection. These online friendships can be the stepping stone to venturing out into the real world, where showers are mandatory and human interaction is unavoidable. But hey, if all else fails, at least you'll have someone to virtually cheer you on during your next social anxiety meltdown. Happy friend-finding, internet fam!
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