Friendzoning the Market: A Millennial's Guide to Buying (or Befriending) a Friend
Let's face it, making friends in your twenties is like trying to find a decent apartment in Manhattan: competitive, expensive, and leaves you questioning your sanity. But fear not, fellow social nomads! Today, we're diving into the not-so-shady underworld of friend acquisition.
 |
| How To Buy A Friend Story |
Step 1: Identifying Your Target Friend (Because Adults Don't Pick Sides)
The Indie Intellectual: Frequents obscure coffee shops with ironic mustaches and reusable tote bags. Prone to quoting Nietzsche while critiquing your brunch order. Pros: Can hold intellectual conversations about the meaning of life over kombucha. Cons: Might judge your choice of Netflix docuseries.
QuickTip: The more attention, the more retention.
The Weekend Warrior: Lives for Friday nights and questionable karaoke skills. Probably owns a subscription box overflowing with enough athletic wear to outfit a small gym. Pros: Always down for adventures, even if it's just bar-hopping in ironic t-shirts. Cons: May disappear for entire weekends, leaving you to question if they've been abducted by a spin class cult.
QuickTip: Copy useful snippets to a notes app.
The Homebody Hermit: Their natural habitat is the couch, adorned with a permanent Netflix imprint and a never-ending supply of takeout containers. Pros: The ultimate partner for movie marathons and online conspiracy theory rabbit holes. Cons: Getting them to leave the house might require a court order and an intervention involving pizza.
Tip: Summarize the post in one sentence.
Remember: There's no one-size-fits-all friend. Explore your options, be open-minded, and maybe avoid the guy who collects porcelain dolls (trust me on this one).
QuickTip: Skim first, then reread for depth.
 |
Step 2: Luring Your Prey (Without Actually Being a Creep)
Gone are the days of shoving nerds into lockers. Nowadays, friend-luring is a delicate art form. Here are some subtle (and hopefully not stalkerish) tactics:
- Become a Master Lurker: Casually bump into them at the library, the gym, or that new vegan cafe you both follow on Instagram. Key word: casually. Staring from across the room is not the move.
- Embrace the Power of Shared Misery: Complain about the cafeteria food, the never-ending assignments, or the existential dread of adulting. Shared suffering is the ultimate bonding experience.
- Deploy the Compliment Cannon: Subtly compliment their taste in music, their hilarious meme collection, or their questionable life choices (hey, sometimes it works!).
Step 3: The Close (Because Friendship is a Two-Way Street)
So, you've successfully lured your potential friend into a conversation. Now what?
- Ditch the Pick-Up Lines: Unless your pick-up line involves pizza or borrowing a stapler, it's probably a no-go.
- Be Yourself (But the Non-Creepy Version): Let your personality shine through! Be funny, be weird, be passionate about your love for interpretive dance.
- Extend the Invitation: Casually (see a theme here?) ask them to grab coffee, see a movie, or participate in your upcoming interpretive dance recital. The important part is showing you're interested in getting to know them.
Remember: Friendship isn't a one-time purchase. It's a subscription service filled with laughter, shared secrets, and the occasional borrowed cup of sugar. So, put yourself out there, embrace the awkwardness, and who knows, you might just find your squad for life (or at least until the next Netflix obsession hits).
 |
