Friend or Foe? How to Not Waste Your Cash (and Dignity) on a Dud Dude/Dudette
Let's face it, sometimes life gets a little lonely. You scroll through social media seeing everyone with their #SquadGoals and you start to feel like a social shipwreck. Fear not, friend-seeker! Because today, we're diving into the thrilling (and slightly sketchy) world of buying a friend.
But wait! Before you hit the dark web with your credit card info, there are a few key things to consider.
QuickTip: Check if a section answers your question.
 |
| How To Buy A Friend Worth Watching |
The Friend-Zone Free Market: What's on the Menu?
There's a whole spectrum of "friends" you can "acquire" (because ew, who actually uses the word "buy"?). Here's a quick breakdown:
Tip: Read slowly to catch the finer details.
- The Bodyguard Buddy: Need someone to scare away those annoying cafeteria pigeons? This friend (usually proficient in martial arts and questionable life choices) is for you! Just make sure they don't end up using YOU as human armor during a cafeteria brawl.
- The Homework Helperforhire: Stuck on trigonometry that looks like an alien language? This friend comes armed with a calculator and enough caffeine to fuel a small nation. Be warned, their price might involve enduring endless lectures on the Pythagorean Theorem.
- The Fake Fianc�(e): Desperate to avoid a blind date set up by your meddling grandma? This friend will play the role of your "eternal love" for the family gathering. Just make sure you have a good escape plan in case things get a little too "meet the parents."
Pro Tip: Always negotiate the terms of your "friendship" beforehand. No one wants to be stuck explaining trigonometry to a pigeon-fearing bodyguard.
Tip: Read mindfully — avoid distractions.
Red Flags: How to Spot a Friendship Fake-Out
Not all that glitters is gold, people. Here are some warning signs that your "friend" might be a total dud:
QuickTip: Keep going — the next point may connect.
 |
- They only hang out when you're buying: This "friend" might be more interested in your wallet than your witty banter. Run!
- They disappear faster than your phone charger: This friend is a ghost, pure and simple. Unless you enjoy one-sided conversations, maybe look elsewhere.
- They constantly "borrow" money (with no intention of paying back): This friend is basically a walking, talking loan shark with bad breath. Hard pass.
Remember: If your "friend" makes you feel more like an ATM than an actual friend, it's time to cut your losses. There are plenty of genuine people out there waiting for a real connection, not a financial transaction.
Friendship for Free: The Shocking Truth!
Here's a crazy concept: friendships can actually be formed organically, without a single penny spent! Gasp! I know, it sounds radical. But hear me out.
- Strike up conversations with people in your classes or at work. You never know who might share your love for bad puns or questionable reality TV.
- Join a club or activity that interests you. Shared hobbies are a great way to bond with people who get your weird obsessions.
- Volunteer in your community. Helping others is not only good karma, it's also a fantastic way to meet like-minded people.
Shocking, right? But trust me, genuine friendships are way more rewarding (and affordable) than any store-bought variety.
So ditch the sketchy classifieds and put yourself out there. The perfect friend might be just a conversation away. Just remember, the best things in life (like good friends) are usually free (unless you count the occasional coffee date, which, hey, is totally worth it).
 |
