So You Wanna Buy Some Jaywalking, Eh? A Beginner's Guide to the Illicit Art of Pedestrian Rebellion
Ah, jaywalking. The forbidden fruit of the sidewalk, the exhilarating dance with destiny that involves dodging impatient cars and the occasional disapproving glare from grandmas. But where, oh where, can one acquire this elusive act of pedestrian defiance? Well, fret no more, fellow sidewalk renegade, for this guide will unveil the secret underbelly of the jaywalking market (it's not as shady as you might think, unless you're jaywalking at night. Then it gets pretty shady).
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| How To Buy Jaywalking |
Step 1: Identifying the Dealer (They're Everywhere, Really)
Contrary to popular belief, jaywalking isn't sold on street corners in trench coats. No, my friend, the dealers are much more cunning. They walk among us, blending in with the law-abiding masses. Here's a quick guide to spotting them:
Tip: Read mindfully — avoid distractions.
- The Impatient One: This individual taps their foot with the rhythm of a metronome while waiting for the light. They practically vibrate with the urge to cross the street. (Caution: May attempt jaywalking themself and steal your purchase.)
- The Free Spirit: This person is a walking advertisement for jaywalking. They meander across streets with a nonchalant air, as if daring the traffic gods to smite them. (Likely the most reliable source, but be prepared for some serious philosophical discussions about the meaning of crosswalks.)
- The Grandma Who Doesn't Give a Dang: This seasoned jaywalker has seen it all. Cars? Pshh. Traffic lights? More like traffic suggestions. Look for them with their grocery bags in tow, making a beeline across the street like they're on a mission to conquer the milk aisle before closing time. (Highly respected in the jaywalking community, but their product might be a bit...bumpy.)
Once you've identified your dealer (let's call them Phil for disguise purposes), a simple "Hey Phil, you got any of that good jaywalking on you?" should do the trick. Phil will likely raise an eyebrow, chuckle knowingly, and then point you towards the nearest crosswalk with a sly wink. (Remember, the transaction itself is a performance art. Be subtle, be smooth.)
Tip: Revisit challenging parts.
Step 2: The Negotiation Phase (Haggling Over Heartbeats)
Now comes the tense part. Here's where you put your best negotiating skills to the test.
Tip: Reflect on what you just read.
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- Quantity: How much jaywalking are you looking for? A quick dash across a one-way street? A full-on parkour across a six-lane highway at rush hour? The price goes up with the danger factor.
- Quality: Do you want a classic, no-frills jaywalk, or are you looking for something fancy? Maybe a jaywalk with a little skip in your step, or a jaywalk while whistling a jaunty tune? (These upgrades might cost you an extra smile or a playful wave to oncoming traffic.)
Remember, jaywalking is a perishable good. The longer you negotiate, the less time you have to enjoy your purchase. So, be fair, be firm, and be prepared to walk away if Phil tries to sell you jaywalking during a blizzard.
Reminder: Short breaks can improve focus.
Step 3: The Consumption (Enjoy Responsibly!)
Congratulations! You've successfully bought some jaywalking. Now, the fun part: Using it! Remember, jaywalking, like any good thing, should be enjoyed in moderation. Here are some safety tips for responsible jaywalking consumption:
- Look both ways (and then some). This may seem obvious, but you'd be surprised how many people forget this crucial step under the influence of jaywalking.
- Use your best judgment. Is there a giant truck barreling down the street? Maybe wait for the light.
- Maintain eye contact with drivers. It establishes dominance (kind of).
- Most importantly, have fun! Jaywalking is a celebration of pedestrian freedom, a tiny act of rebellion against the tyranny of traffic lights.
So there you have it, folks! Your one-stop guide to buying jaywalking. Now get out there and strut your stuff across that street like you own it (because technically, you kind of do while you're jaywalking).
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