From Pit to Paydirt: The Hilarious (and Slightly Hysterical) Guide to Getting Avocados on Your Own Tree
Ah, the avocado. Nature's perfect butter bomb, the millennial's toast muse, the bane of basic white girl brunch. But have you ever dreamt of cultivating your own emerald goldmine? Of harvesting luscious avos that haven't been fondled by a dozen strangers at the grocery store? Well, my friend, this guide is for you! Just be warned, the journey is as bumpy (and occasionally rage-inducing) as a bumpy avocado.
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| How To Get Avocado Fruit On Tree |
Step 1: The Great Seed Heist (and Subsequent Stabbing)
First things first, you gotta get your hands on a pit. Don't be tempted to mug a hipster cafe for their half-eaten. Instead, buy a perfectly ripe avocado (because who can resist?), liberate the pit, and clean that sucker good. This isn't heart surgery, but a little hygiene goes a long way (for you and your future avocado empire).
Now comes the exciting part: the stabbing. Using three toothpicks, imagine yourself a tiny avocado jouster and gently pierce the pit about a third of the way down, from the pointy end. The toothpicks will become your valiant steed as you suspend the pit over a glass of water, like a miniature guacamole raft.
Pro-Tip: Give your pit a name. Maybe Sir Guacamole or Empress Hass. It'll help you stay invested when those roots take forever to appear.
QuickTip: Short pauses improve understanding.
Step 2: The Waiting Game (Spoiler Alert: You Lose)
Now buckle up, buttercup, because this is where things get interesting. Patience is a virtue, they say. They lied. Watching your pit stubbornly refuse to sprout for weeks will test your zen like a toddler with a juice box addiction. Just be sure to change the water regularly to avoid a science experiment gone wrong.
Fun Fact: You'll likely sprout a heartbreakingly beautiful stalk long before any roots appear. Don't get fooled into thinking you're a horticultural rockstar. This is just your future avocado tree taunting you with its good looks.
Step 3: The Soil Soiree (Dirt Never Looked So Good)
Rejoice! Roots have finally emerged! High five your significant other, your goldfish, whoever will indulge you. Now it's time to prepare a posh potting mix for your future champion. Think well-draining, slightly sandy, the kind of dirt that would make a worm do the Macarena.
QuickTip: Treat each section as a mini-guide.
AVOID AT ALL COSTS: Dense, clay-like soil that would suffocate your precious pit-child. Remember, happy roots, happy tree, happy guacamole.
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Step 4: The Sun Salutation (Because Photosynthesis Needs a Tan Too)
Avocados, unlike vampires, crave sunlight. Find a spot in your home (or outdoors if you're in a warm climate) that gets at least 6-8 hours of sunshine a day. Think of your avocado tree as a lizard sunbathing on a rock - the more sun, the better.
Word to the Wise: Don't be that person who forgets to rotate their avocado tree. It'll grow all lopsided like a flamingo who skipped leg day.
QuickTip: Return to sections that felt unclear.
Step 5: The Pollination Tango (It's a Two-Avocado Kind of Party)
Here's the kicker: most avocado trees have what scientists call "perfect flowers," which means they have both male and female parts. But there's a twist! These parts don't open at the same time, making self-pollination a bit of a challenge.
Solution 1: Become a professional flower pimp. If you have an indoor tree, gently shake it a few times a day to help spread the pollen. It's not the most glamorous job, but hey, avocado dreams come at a price.
Solution 2: Get your tree a date. Plant a second avocado tree of a different flowering type (A or B) to maximize fruit production. This way, the bees (or you, the flower pimp) can facilitate a proper pollination party and get those avocados growing!
Tip: Don’t skim — absorb.
Step 6: The Fruitful Finale (Or Maybe Not So Fruitful)
Congratulations! You've officially graduated from pit-stabber to avocado apprentice. Now comes the eternal waiting game. It can take anywhere from 3-7 years for your tree to produce its first fruit. Yes, you read that right. Seven years.
But wait, there's more! Even with proper care, there's no guarantee your tree will ever produce an avocado. Sometimes, these leafy green trolls just enjoy messing with our expectations
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