How to Snag the Coveted Blue Tick of Instagram Fame (2021 Edition): A Guide for the Gloriously Obscure
Let's face it, folks, the blue tick on Instagram is the Holy Grail of social media cred. It's like a participation trophy for relentless selfies and carefully curated vacation snaps. But fear not, aspiring influencer! While there's no guaranteed shortcut to verification mountain, this guide will equip you with the knowledge (and perhaps a sprinkle of delusion) to navigate the treacherous path.
Step 1: Cultivate an Aura of Enigmatic Importance
QuickTip: Break down long paragraphs into main ideas.
- Who are you? Nobody knows, and that's the beauty of it! Embrace the mystery. Post cryptic captions that hint at your jet-setting lifestyle ("Sipping on something stronger than jet lag #GlobetrotterWoes"). Nobody needs to know it's instant coffee at your local park.
- Are you secretly related to Beyonc�? Maybe not, but maintain an air of delightful ambiguity. A strategically placed "Queen Beyhive!" comment here and there can't hurt.
Step 2: Master the Art of Self-Promotion (Without Actually Saying the Words)
QuickTip: Stop scrolling if you find value.
- Subtlety is key. Casually mention you were featured in your local paper for, uh, "heroically rescuing a rogue shopping cart from a toddler." (Bonus points for dramatic reenactments with a toy cart).
- Befriend every single verification bot. No, seriously, don't do that. They're sketchy at best. But definitely maintain an active online presence. Respond to comments, participate in trending hashtags (even the bizarre ones – #NationalSockDay, anyone?), and cultivate an engaged audience.
Step 3: The Art of the Staged Paparazzi Shot (But Like, Way Low Budget)
Tip: Read mindfully — avoid distractions.
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- Your best friend's sibling's stepdad's pool becomes the Cannes Film Festival red carpet. Glam up in your finest pool attire (bonus points for a strategically placed pool noodle microphone) and have your designated photographer (said friend's sibling's stepdad) capture your "arrival."
Step 4: Patience is a Virtue (Unless You Have a Really Big Diamond Ring)
QuickTip: Keep a notepad handy.
- The verification process is like waiting for a dental appointment. It takes forever, and there's no guarantee you'll get what you came for (unless it's Novocaine). But unlike wisdom teeth, verification can vanish in a puff of smoke if you violate Instagram's terms of service. Be patient and play by the rules.
Remember: Verification is a fickle mistress. But hey, if all else fails, there's always the tried-and-tested method of drawing a giant blue tick on your forehead with a marker. Just sayin'.
Disclaimer: This guide is purely for entertainment purposes. There's no magic formula for verification, and focusing on creating great content and building a genuine community is always the best strategy. But hey, a little humor never hurt anyone (except maybe your follower count if they see that giant blue marker tick).
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