So You Wanna Send Money to a New Yorker Doing Time? A Not-So-Serious Guide
Let's face it, nobody ends up in the Big Apple clink by accident (unless they got mugged by a squirrel and accidentally wrestled a hot dog vendor for justice). But hey, they're your friend, family, or that quirky neighbor who really loved pigeons, and you wanna help. The question is: how do you send cash to a concrete connoisseur with (hopefully temporary) limited edition orange apparel?
Don't Worry, You Ain't Sending Dope (Probably)
Relax, Al Capone. You're not exactly lining up a prison break here. Inmate funds go towards commissary, which is basically a jailhouse convenience store. They can use it to buy essentials (think ramen and mystery meat stew), luxuries (like instant coffee that doesn't taste like despair), or maybe even invest in a participation trophy for the most reformed inmate (plastic sporks are a hot commodity behind bars).
Finding Your Incarcerated Inner Circle
First things first, you gotta figure out where exactly your NYC jailbird is chilling. There's Rikers Island (not exactly a vacation destination), various borough-based jails, and even a fancy federal lockup in lower Manhattan (prime real estate, even for prisons). Once you know the jail's name, visit their website. Most will have a clear and (hopefully) not-written-in-legalese breakdown of how to send money.
Money Transfer Options: From Doves to Drones?
Alright, so sending money via carrier pigeon might be a tad theatrical (and potentially messy). Here are the most common ways to send funds:
- Online Money Transfers: Many jails have partnered with companies like JPay or Western Union. You'll need the inmate's ID number (think less social security, more jailhouse cafeteria customer code), and you can usually pay with a debit or credit card. Easy as (almost) stealing candy from a baby (don't do that).
- Telephone Touches: Some jails accept deposits by phone. Just punch in those digits and pray the connection doesn't mysteriously drop when you're about to enter the three zeros that would finally bring your friend some Ramen Noir.
- The Old-Fashioned Money Order: Remember those things? They're still accepted in some jails. Just be sure to write everything clearly and correctly. You don't want your friend accidentally receiving funds meant for "Big Bob" in cell block D (unless of course, your friend is Big Bob).
Bonus Tip: Don't Be a Jailhouse Bank
While you might be tempted to max out your contribution to get your buddy a lifetime supply of lukewarm instant oatmeal, be reasonable. Jails often limit the amount of money inmates can have on their accounts. Check the jail's website for details, and remember, they've got three meals a day (questionable quality, but hey, it's three hots and a cot, right?).
There You Have It!
Now you're practically a jailhouse financial wizard. Just remember, while you can't exactly send them a sympathy basket with gourmet popcorn (metal flakes are a choking hazard, apparently), a little financial support can go a long way in the clink. Hopefully, with a little good behavior and a lot of instant noodles, your friend will be back on the streets in no time, ready to tell you all about the fascinating world of prison spork politics.
