How the Texas Longhorns Can Lasso Themselves a Spot in the College Football Playoff: A Totally Serious Guide (with Maybe a Pinch of Sarcasm)
Ah, Texas football. The land of burnt orange dreams, heartbreaking losses (mostly to Oklahoma, let's be honest), and that one time Colt McCoy almost carried us to the promised land. But this year, things feel different. We've got a team with more bite than a rabid armadillo, and a shot at the College Football Playoff (CFP) that's juicier than a plate of Texas brisket. So, how exactly do we wrangle those longhorns all the way to the big dance? Let's break it down.
Step 1: Beat Everyone. And We Mean Everyone.
This one's a no-brainer. You can't exactly waltz into the CFP with a participation trophy. Dominate the regular season. Turn those games into victory parades. Make opposing teams so scared they start speaking with a Texan drawl ("Y'all sure are lookin' mighty fine out there, but we might just have to beat some respect into ya!"). Just be a tad merciful on poor old Texas State – those poor bobcats don't stand a chance.
Step 2: Channel Your Inner Matthew McConaughey: Alright, Alright, Alright
We need some charm people! Romance the CFP committee. Shower them with kolaches, serenade them with soulful Willie Nelson tunes, and maybe even convince Bevo to learn a little breakdancing routine. Hey, it's worth a shot, right?
Step 3: Befriend Some Chaos Gods (Just Maybe)
Look, a little chaos never hurt anyone. Maybe a surprise upset by an underdog here or there. Perhaps a rogue tumbleweed trips up the quarterback of a rival team at a crucial moment. We're not saying to outright summon Cthulhu, but a little divine intervention in our favor wouldn't be the worst thing.
Step 4: Pass the Ball More Often Than You Use "Bless Your Heart"
Okay, this one might be a stretch, but seriously, some offensive fireworks wouldn't hurt. Let's see some epic touchdown throws, some dazzling runs that leave defenders grasping at air. Give the fans something to ooh and ahh about, besides the price of a giant turkey leg at the stadium.
Step 5: Stock Up on Antacids (Because Heartburn is Coming)
Let's be real, Texas football is a rollercoaster ride of emotions. There will be close calls, questionable calls by the refs, and moments where you'll swear your heart has migrated to your throat. So, get ready to chew a lot of Tums because this ride to the CFP is guaranteed to be a nail-biter.
Bonus Step: Remember, It's Texas Football. So, Anything is Possible.
We've seen the highs, the lows, and everything in between. But that's what makes it fun, right? So, grab your cowboy hat, crank up some George Strait, and hold on tight. This season, the University of Texas might just surprise everyone (including ourselves) with a trip to the College Football Playoff. Now, that's something to write home about (or tweet about, because millennials).
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