So You Think You've Spotted a Serial Killer in California? Don't Panic (But Maybe Pack a Snack)
California: land of sunshine, Hollywood dreams, and...wait, serial killers? Hold on to your surfboards, folks, because this is where things get a little creepy.
Now, before you barricade yourself in your house with a lifetime supply of instant ramen (because, let's face it, the apocalypse is best enjoyed with carbs), let's delve into the chilling world of the Golden State's serial killer population.
How Many Monsters Are We Talking About?
Ugh, this is where things get murky. The FBI estimates there are between 25 and 50 active serial killers in the US at any given time. Shudder. That's like flipping a coin and landing on "murderer" every once in a while. But here's the good news (sort of): that number likely includes folks who haven't even graduated from "stabbing a cactus in anger" to full-blown serial killer.
California, with its vast population and, ahem, interesting pockets of society, might have a bit more than its fair share. There's no official count, but some sources claim it could be as high as 15. Look, numbers are scary. Let's just say there's enough to keep things interesting, but not enough to warrant a permanent helmet.
Spotting a Serial Killer in the Wild: A Totally Unqualified Guide
Okay, so you're convinced your neighbor Buford is secretly sharpening his hedge trimmers a little too enthusiastically. Here are some totally-not-scientific signs to watch for (remember, these could also indicate Buford is just really into topiary):
- Buford keeps winning "Yard of the Month" with suspiciously similar landscaping.
- His collection of porcelain cats keeps growing, but you never see any actual cats around.
- He hums show tunes while mowing the lawn...at 3 am.
If you see two or more of these signs, it might be time to politely (and from a safe distance) suggest Buford take up a less murderous hobby, like competitive thumb-twiddling.
But Seriously, Folks...
While it's fun to joke, serial killers are a serious issue. If you have a legitimate concern, trust your gut and report it to the authorities. They'd much rather investigate a suspicious neighbor than have to deal with a full-blown Dexter situation.
Stay safe, California. And remember, the best defense against a serial killer? A healthy dose of skepticism and a killer sense of humor (like yours, for example).
