2023: California's Year of "Hold My Michelada" Mass Shootings
Ah, 2023. The year that felt like a particularly spicy episode of Black Mirror come to life. And let's face it, California wasn't exactly sunshine and rainbows the whole time. Especially when it came to mass shootings.
California vs. Mass Shootings: A Not-So-Friendly Rivalry
Now, California's usually pretty good about keeping things chill. We've got stricter gun laws than a bouncer at a La Croix tasting. But 2023? It was like the state decided to hold a "Most Mass Shootings" competition with, well, every other state. And let me tell you, we were NOT winning.
Just how not-winning are we talking? Buckle up, buttercup.
Some folks track mass shootings by a body count of 4 or more (because, you know, 3 and under is just a Tuesday). By that metric, California racked up enough mass shootings in 2023 to make a participation trophy blush.
The "Highlights" (Because We All Need a Good Cry-Laugh)
- January: We kicked the year off with a bang (literally) in Monterey Park. A dance studio became the scene of a massacre, leaving more people two-stepping into the afterlife than a poorly planned Thriller flash mob.
- May: Remember that time someone decided a high-rise building in Westlake was a good place for target practice? Yeah, that wasn't a movie audition gone wrong. Thankfully, nobody got an Oscar for "Best Performance as a Dodgeball Pro" that day.
- October: We wrapped things up with a bowling alley bloodbath in Maine. Yes, Maine. Because apparently, even lobsters deserve a break from the existential dread of... well, being lobsters.
Look, the point is, it wasn't a banner year for California's gun-violence report card.
But Hey, At Least We're Not Florida!
Now, before you start hoarding avocado toast and plotting your escape to Canada, let's take a deep breath. California still has a way lower rate of mass shootings than, say, Florida. Because apparently, sunshine and automatic weapons are a match made in... well, a very deadly place.
Here's the truth: mass shootings are a national problem, and 2023 was a particularly bad year for everyone. But hey, at least we can laugh (nervously) about it, right? Right?
(If you're not laughing, you might be crying. And that's okay too.)
