The Great Allen Outlet Massacre: Not Your Average Shopping Spree (But Seriously, It Was Tragic)
How many times do we have to hear about another mall shooting? Honestly, at this point, if I see "Texas" and "mall" in the same headline, I assume it's not about a killer sale on discount boots. But fear not, intrepid internet citizens, for I, your fearless leader in morbid curiosity (and hopefully some humor to cope), am here to break down the body count... without being too much of a downer.
So, How Many Folks Got Yeehaw-ed into the Next Life?
Here's the grim part: Eight innocent people were murdered in that sunshine-filled Texas mall. Yep, eight. That's more than the number of designer handbags I can realistically afford (which is zero, by the way). The victims included a young boy, his parents, two elementary school sisters – basically, folks who were just trying to enjoy a Saturday afternoon.
But wait, there's more! (Sorry, not really). The shooter also bit the dust thanks to a quick-draw police officer who wasn't on a donut break (because, you know, donuts are delicious, but stopping mass murderers is kind of important too). So, technically, the body count is nine.
Now Let's Not Dwell on the Sadness (Because Retail Therapy Awaits!)
Look, this whole thing was a terrible tragedy. But hey, at least we can all take comfort in the fact that the perpetrator is no longer gracing shopping malls with his terrible taste in clothing (and, you know, murderous tendencies).
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a sudden urge to browse online for some retail therapy. Maybe a bulletproof vest? Kidding (mostly). In all seriousness, this is a heavy topic, and my humor might not be for everyone. But hey, if we can't laugh a little at the absurdity of it all, then what can we do?
Here are some resources if you're feeling overwhelmed by the news:
- Insert helpline numbers or links to mental health resources here *
Remember, laughter is the best medicine (except for actual medicine, of course). Stay safe out there, folks, and maybe avoid crowded malls for a while.
