So You Wanna Ditch the Bars (For a Funeral): A Californian Inmate's Guide to Final Farewells (and Hidden Costs)
Let's face it, life on the inside isn't exactly a budget vacation. Between the questionable cafeteria food and the complete lack of happy hours, your spending money is probably tighter than Lindsay Lohan's probation terms. But hey, even convicts deserve a break, especially when it comes to paying respects to a loved one. That begs the burning question: how much does it cost for an inmate to attend a funeral in California?
Well, buckle up, because it's not as simple as a commissary purchase of instant ramen and tears. Here's the lowdown on the often-overlooked expenses of a prison furlough for a funeral:
-
The Glamour of Security: Forget limousines, my friend. Your ride to the funeral will be a secured transport vehicle, basically a glorified paddy wagon with slightly less legroom. Prices can vary depending on the distance, but let's just say it won't be winning any Uber ratings.
-
Accommodations (of the Steel-Clad Kind): Unless you're planning on sleeping in the hearse (not recommended, ghosts and all), you'll likely be spending the night back in your cozy prison cell. Hey, at least you won't have any snoring cellmates complaining about your eulogy practice!
-
The Paper Chase: There's more paperwork involved in this process than applying for parole. Expect mountains of forms, background checks, and enough red tape to mummify a pharaoh. Just be thankful you don't have to write your own condolence letter.
Now, the real kicker: hidden costs. Think prison guards are on Tinder Plus? Think again. Security personnel overseeing your visit will likely require overtime pay, which can add a hefty chunk to the bill. There's also the chance of transportation fees, facility costs, and who knows what other bureaucratic black holes your money will disappear into.
The Bottom Line (and Maybe a Silver Lining): Attending a funeral as an inmate in California can be surprisingly expensive. On the bright side, at least you won't have to worry about those awkward "what to wear" decisions. (Spoiler alert: it's always orange.)
So, is attending a funeral worth the cost? That's a decision only you can make. But hey, if you've got the cash saved up from all those years of not buying lattes, and saying goodbye is truly important to you, then by all means, break free (for a supervised visit) and pay your respects. Just make sure you factor in all the hidden costs – you might end up needing another inmate to hold a fundraiser for your release...from the financial burden of attending a funeral.
