How to Afford a House in California: A Guide for Masochists Dreamers
Ah, California. Land of sunshine, avocados that never seem to go bad (suspicious...), and housing prices that would make a dragon hoard blush. Fear not, aspiring homeowner! With a good dose of delusion, some questionable life choices, and this handy guide, you too can join the ranks of the California house-havers.
Step 1: Embrace the Frugality
Forget avocado toast, my friend. From now on, your meals consist of foraging for berries and befriending local squirrels for their nut stash (sharing is optional). Downsize your wardrobe to a single, multipurpose toga (perfect for lounging, errands, and impromptu toga parties!).
Living situation? Couch surfing is the new black (or whatever color your friend's least-used couch happens to be). Think of it as a permanent international exchange program, but with fewer awkward silences and way more questionable hygiene.
Pro tip: Perfect your dumpster diving skills. You'd be surprised what California throws away – slightly used dreams, half-eaten bags of kale chips (goldmine!), and gently used mansions (okay, maybe not that last one, but a man can dream).
Step 2: Become a Master Negotiator
Those California home sellers? They have hearts of gold (plated in platinum, that is). But fear not, with your newfound negotiation skills honed on street vendors and pigeons alike, you'll be able to talk them down from a cool million to a slightly less cool... well, still pretty cool million. Key phrases to include: "exposure bucks" (they'll love that!), "I'll pay you in slightly used dreams" (works surprisingly often), and "cash offer, but the cash is all in pennies" (mostly for comedic effect).
Step 3: Marry Up (or Down, Really Doesn't Matter at This Point)
Unless you're secretly a tech millionaire (in which case, why are you reading this?), finding a house on a single income is about as likely as encountering a unicorn riding a narwhal in the Pacific Ocean (although, that would be a pretty sweet sight). So, find yourself a partner in crime (and mortgage payments)! Love is great, but shared financial woes can be an even greater aphrodisiac (or at least a decent conversation starter).
Step 4: Win the Lottery (or Invent Teleportation)
This one's pretty self-explanatory. If you manage to win the lottery, buying a house in California suddenly becomes a very achievable dream. Alternatively, invent teleportation technology. Then you can just, you know, teleport yourself to a more affordable state. Just be sure to invent a way to teleport houses too, because trust me, moving furniture is no joke.
Step 5: Accept Your Fate (and Maybe Move to Idaho)
Sometimes, you gotta know when to fold 'em. If the California housing market leaves you feeling like a deflated pool toy, it might be time to consider a different state. Idaho is lovely this time of year (allegedly), and they practically give houses away (with slightly fewer avocado trees, but hey, sacrifices must be made).
Remember: There's always hope! Maybe someday California will invent a way to power houses with sunshine and good vibes. Until then, this guide should serve you well on your journey to becoming a homeowner. Or at least provide some amusement as you cry yourself to sleep in your friend's slightly-questionable-smelling guest room.
