How to Afford a House in Los Angeles: A Guide for Masochists Dreamers ✨
Hey there, fellow aspiring Angelenos! Do you dream of sunshine, beaches, and crippling mortgage payments? Then this guide is for you! In this post, we'll tackle the age-old question: how to afford a house in Los Angeles on a non-oligarch salary.
Disclaimer: This guide may contain traces of sarcasm, self-deprecating humor, and the occasional existential crisis. Reader discretion is advised.
Step 1: Denial is Your Friend
The first step to achieving any dream in LA is absolute denial. Convince yourself that avocado toast isn't ruining your homeownership prospects. It's all about perspective, folks! Maybe that daily $15 toast is your investment in emotional well-being, perfectly primed for the house-hunting marathon you're about to embark on.
Step 2: Embrace the Hustle (or Marry Rich)
Look, there's no sugar-coating it. You're gonna need some serious cash. Here are a few hustle options:
- Invent a time machine, go back to 1950, and buy a mansion for the price of a gumball. This is the most realistic option, obviously.
- Become a Hollywood stunt performer. Just remember, the housing market is brutal, but at least your health insurance will cover those inevitable wipeouts.
- Find a sugar momma/daddy with a penchant for rescuing adorable millennials. This route requires charm, wit, and the ability to listen patiently to stories about the good ol' days when houses were affordable.
Step 3: Location, Location, Location (But Not Really)
Forget the glamorous dreams of a beachfront bungalow. Your new dream home will likely resemble a converted broom closet. But hey, on the bright side, you'll be close to the exciting world of freeway noise!
Pro Tip: Explore up-and-coming neighborhoods like that one under the flight path. Who needs peace and quiet when you can enjoy the soothing roar of airplanes serenading you to sleep every night?
Step 4: Master the Art of the Bidding War
This is where things get interesting. Prepare to enter a gladiatorial arena of aspiring homeowners, all armed with inflated egos and pre-approved mortgages. Be prepared to waive every contingency, sell your soul to the mortgage gods, and maybe even throw in your firstborn child as a sweetener (not recommended, but hey, desperate times...).
Step 5: Ramen Noodles and Patience are Your New Best Friends
Congratulations, you've snagged a house! Now comes the fun part: living paycheck to paycheck for the next two decades. Ramen noodles will become your new staple food group, and fancy lattes will be a distant memory. But take solace in the fact that you're now a homeowner in LA! You can brag to your out-of-town friends about the thrill of spending more on property taxes than they do on their entire mortgage.
Remember: Homeownership is an investment in your future. An investment that may come at the cost of your sanity and social life, but hey, at least you'll have a roof over your head (most of the time)!
P.S. This guide was intended for entertainment purposes only. We recommend seeking professional financial advice before embarking on your Los Angeles homeownership journey. But hey, if you're feeling adventurous, good luck! You'll need it.
