So You Wanna Comb Your Way into the NFL Combine? A Hilarious (and Maybe Slightly Helpful) Guide
Ever watched the NFL Combine and thought, "Hey, I could do that! Except maybe the whole running-a-40-yard-dash-in-the-blink-of-an-eye part"? Well, hold onto your cleats, because this guide is here to turn your shower-thought into a, well, maybe not a reality, but at least a slightly less-delusional dream.
Step 1: Denial Ain't Just a River in Egypt (But Maybe It Should Be for You)
First things first, you gotta be ridiculously good at football. Like, superhumanly good. College All-American good. Makes-grown-men-cry-with-joy good. If you're reading this because you aced your intramural flag football championship, well, bless your heart. But the Combine is for the elite, the top 0.01%, the folks who make David Beckham's footwork look clumsy.
But hey, don't let that discourage you! Maybe you can be the next water boy sensation. Teams gotta stay hydrated, right?
Step 2: Training Like a Beast (Unless You're a Beast-Shaped Pastry, Then Dial It Back a Notch)
Assuming you're not auditioning for the role of human beverage dispenser, you'll need to train like a man (or woman) possessed. Think Rocky running up the steps of Philadelphia, but with less montages and more actual training. This means:**
- Lifting weights until squirrels start mistaking you for a redwood.
- Running drills till your internal GPS begs for mercy.
- Catching passes like a human spider monkey.
- Developing a handshake so firm it could crush coal into diamonds. (This might not be on the official Combine test, but it projects leadership.)
Remember: There's a fine line between dedication and ending up featured on a "Funniest Gym Fails" compilation video. Train hard, but train smart!
Step 3: The Interview: Answer Vaguely While Sweating Profusely
The Combine interview isn't just about football knowledge. Teams want to see your personality, your ability to handle pressure, and how well you can dodge answering a question about your favorite cartoon while simultaneously maintaining eye contact.
Here are some interview tips, NFL hopeful:
- Practice your "deer in headlights" stare. It shows you're taking everything in, even if that "everything" is the interviewer's oddly-patterned tie.
- Develop a collection of non-committal one-liners. "I give 110%" is a classic, but feel free to get creative with things like "I'm a coachable player...as long as the coach isn't yelling too much."
- If all else fails, just compliment their shoes. Everyone loves a good shoe compliment.
Remember: Confidence is key! Even if you're internally freaking out, project an aura of calm professionalism. Like a slightly-nervous James Bond.
Step 4: The Big Day (Hopefully You Didn't Forget Your Deodorant)
The Combine! The culmination of all your hard work! The day you potentially impress NFL scouts and earn a lucrative…participation trophy?
Here's what to expect:
- Running like a cheetah with a rocket strapped to its back. (This is the 40-yard dash, by the way.)
- Lifting weights until your arms feel like overcooked noodles. (This might be more metaphor than reality, but you get the idea.)
- Jumping higher than a startled house cat. (Vertical jump test, people!)
- Dodging cones like a champion slalom skier. (Agility drills are no joke!)
Remember: It's not just about the physical stuff. Smile, high-five the scouts (but not too hard, you don't want to break their hand), and maybe offer to grab them some water. Hydration is important, after all.
So You Want to Be in the Combine? Here's the Real Takeaway
The NFL Combine is a tough nut to crack. But hey, if you're dedicated, talented, and can answer vague interview questions while looking mildly bewildered, then who knows? Maybe you'll see yourself on ESPN.
But remember, even if the Combine isn't in your future, there's always the local flag football league. And who knows, maybe they have some killer participation trophies.
