From Benchwarmer to Baller: How to Become an NFL Player (Without Actually Getting Crushed)
Let's face it, folks, the NFL is the land of giants. Literally. Those quarterbacks look like they could bench press your car, and defensive ends resemble grizzly bears who got buff. But fear not, aspiring armchair athlete! This guide will turn you from a guy who yells at the TV into a guy who gets yelled at by his coach on TV (well, maybe not that last part).
Step 1: Unearthing Your Inner Beast (or at Least a Moderately Toned Dude)
Diet of Champions (or Whatever Doesn't Make You Puke)
Forget six-pack abs; think ten-pack wings! You'll need fuel to bulk up. Just maybe lay off the deep-fried everything after a while. Trust me, your stomach will thank you later.
Exercise Like a Maniac (Without Actually Becoming One...Hopefully)
Hitting the gym is your new best friend. Lifting weights is like giving your muscles a superhero origin story. Just avoid those questionable pre-workout drinks that make your heart do the samba.
Step 2: Mastering the Art of the Pigskin
Become a Sponge (Soak Up Knowledge, Not Spilled Gatorade)
Football IQ is a must. Devour game film like it's the latest season of your favorite show (unless your favorite show is about reality TV stars dating each other, then maybe pick a different strategy).
Practice Makes Perfect (Unless You Practice Like Me, Then It Makes Frustration)
Every waking moment should be spent honing your skills. Catching passes in the living room? Great! Just be sure to explain the broken lamp to your significant other beforehand.
Step 3: The Glamorous World of Getting Noticed (By People Who Matter)
High School Hustle: Be a Big Fish in a Small Pond (Before You Get Eaten by Bigger Fish)
Dominate high school football. Make Sports Illustrated write a sonnet about your touchdown catches. This is your chance to shine bright...like a disco ball at a pep rally.
College Crusader: Prove You're Not Just Here for the Parties (Although Parties Are Fun Too)
College ball is your stepping stone to the big leagues. Light up the field and become the golden boy (or girl, hey equality!) that every scout is drooling over.
The Combine: Basically the Olympics of Underwear (Because Apparently Everyone Loves Seeing Guys in Tighty Whities)
The NFL Combine is where you showcase your skills in front of a hungry audience of scouts. Be prepared to run drills, lift weights, and answer questions that might make you feel like you're on a gameshow. Just try not to trip over your own feet (unless it's part of a particularly impressive juke move).
The Draft: Waiting is the Hardest Part (Especially When You Really Need to Use the Restroom)
The draft is basically a waiting game that involves a lot of sitting and hoping your name gets called. If you don't get picked in the first round, don't fret! Tom Brady went in the sixth round, and look at him now (ageless wonder with a supermodel wife, but I digress).
Step 4: Living the Dream (Well, Maybe Not Quite Yet)
Welcome to the Pros (Where the Hits Are Harder and the Paychecks Are Bigger)
Congratulations! You're officially an NFL player. Now comes the real work: training camps that would make a drill sergeant weep, film sessions that last longer than a bad date, and the constant pressure to perform.
But Remember:
The road to the NFL is long and arduous. It takes dedication, talent, and a whole lot of luck. But hey, if you can handle all that, you might just become the next superstar quarterback...or at least the best athlete on your fantasy team.
