So You Wanna Be an NFL Team Owner? Hold My Beer and Let's Talk Billion Dollar Dreams
Ah, the glamorous life of an NFL owner. Sundays spent in your luxury box, barking orders at the coach (through a very expensive walkie-talkie, of course), and high-fiving celebrities who wouldn't know you from a bag of peanuts without the fifteen-carat diamond ring. It's the dream, right?
Well, hold onto your foam finger because reality hits harder than a linebacker on a mission. Here's the lowdown on becoming a part-owner of an NFL team, with a healthy dose of humor because, let's face it, we all need a laugh before diving into this financial end zone.
Step 1: Unearthing That Loose Change Under the Couch Cushion
Let's be honest, NFL team ownership ain't for the penny-pinching crowd. We're talking about billions of dollars here, folks. The average NFL team costs more than your entire neighborhood combined (with a sprinkle of the Pentagon's budget on top). So, dust off your piggy bank, and maybe hit up that Nigerian prince you've been ignoring in your email. You never know, his inheritance might finally come through!
Step 2: Befriending Scrooge McDuck and Other Financially-Gifted Folks
Since you likely haven't stumbled upon a buried pirate treasure chest lately, you're going to need some serious backup. Think tech moguls, oil tycoons, and those folks who casually buy islands for their pet llamas. Becoming BFFs with these financial superheroes is key. Just remember, the best way to a billionaire's heart is probably not through their stomach (caviar gets pricey) but maybe through their love of the game? Cashmere scarves with your team's logo might be a good start.
Step 3: Passing the NFL's Secret Handshake (and Background Check)
The NFL is a bit like that exclusive club with a velvet rope. There's a whole application process, and let's just say your credit card history better be squeaky clean. They'll be looking at your bank statements with a magnifying glass the size of Jerry Jones' ego.
Step 4: Convincing 31 Other Billionaires You're Not a Supervillain
NFL teams are rarely owned by a single person (unless you're Shahid Khan, the envy of all snack food enthusiasts). You'll need to impress a whole committee of owners. Think of it as a Shark Tank for billionaires, except instead of pitching a revolutionary fidget spinner, you're pitching yourself as a responsible steward of America's favorite sport (and a potential money-making machine for everyone involved).
Step 5: Celebrating Like You Just Won the Super Bowl (Because, Technically, You Kind Of Did)
Congratulations! You've defied the odds and become a part-owner of an NFL team. Now, the real fun begins: celebrating your victory with champagne showers that would make even a Kardashian blush, and arguing about draft picks with your new billionaire buddies. Remember, with great wealth comes great responsibility, like deciding on the next uniform redesign (because everyone loves those, right?).
So, there you have it. The not-so-secret guide to becoming an NFL team owner. It may require selling your soul, a winning lottery ticket, or a time machine to borrow money from your future self, but hey, dreams don't achieve themselves (unless you're a robot, in which case, go back to coding).
