How to California Earthquake: A Totally Chill Guide for the Unprepared Hipster
Let's face it, California. Earthquakes are about as common here as avocado toast and complaining about traffic. The ground shakes, you throw yourself dramatically under a beanbag chair (because who even owns a sturdy table anymore?), and emerge, slightly ruffled, ready for a venti oat milk latte to calm your nerves.
But what if, gasp, the Big One hits and your artisanal sourdough starter isn't enough to sustain you? Fear not, my fellow Californians, for this totally chill guide will equip you to face the earth's fury with minimal existential dread (and hopefully no injuries).
Part 1: Pre-Earthquake Panache
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Disaster Preparedness? Don't Be That Guy. Seriously, prepping is for survivalists and doomsday preppers. We're Californians, we improvise. That vintage French press can double as a mortar and pestle, right?
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Embrace the Flow. Earthquakes are like, the ultimate expression of going with the flow, man. The ground moves? So do you! Just let your body become one with the seismic waves. Namaste.
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Emergency Kit Essentials: Forget boring first-aid kits. Pack the essentials for a post-apocalyptic Coachella: a bluetooth speaker for dance therapy, a solar phone charger to stay Insta-famous, and enough kale chips to fuel your journey to... wherever.
Part 2: Earthquake Etiquette (Because Manners Matter)
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The Drop, Cover, and Hold is sooo last season. The new move is the Drop, Cover, and Dab. It's way more expressive, and hey, maybe it'll go viral.
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Helping Others? That's what social media is for. Post a heartfelt message about staying strong and tag all your friends. #CaliforniaStrong #EarthquakeVibes
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Looting? Duh. But be discerning, my friends. Only target stores with a curated selection of distressed furniture and overpriced succulents.
Part 3: Post-Earthquake Panache
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The Aftershocks. Think of them as nature's little reminders to stay present. Meditate on the impermanence of things, except for your perfectly tousled hair. That needs to stay on point.
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Social Media is Key. Document your earthquake experience with envy-inducing photos. Caption it something profound, like "The earth moved for me (literally)".
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Rebuilding? Nah. Embrace the open floor plan concept Mother Nature provided. Besides, tiny homes are totally in.
Remember: Earthquakes are a chance to truly connect with the California way of life. Stay chill, improvise like a champion, and emerge even more effortlessly cool than before. And hey, if the whole world ends, at least your Instagram will be on fleek.
