Conquering the Costco Crab: A Hilarious How-To for the Slightly Fearful
Let's face it, folks. That giant crustacean in the frozen aisle at Costco can be intimidating. Spiky legs, a scowl that could curdle milk, and a price tag that whispers, "Are you SURE you can handle this?" But fear not, trembling seafood newbie! This guide will turn you into a dungeness crab-cracking champion, with minimal bloodshed (hopefully just yours... figuratively speaking).
Step 1: The Great Thaw
First things first, we gotta get this party started. Release your frozen friend from its icy prison. Pro tip: Don't try to be a hero and defrost it with your mind bullets. A night in the fridge is all it takes. If you're impatient (like yours truly most of the time), a quick dunk in a cold water bath can speed things up. But be warned, this might involve a staring contest with a disgruntled-looking crab.
Step 2: Boiling Like a Boss (or Sous Chef, at Least)
Gear Up: Grab a pot big enough to fit your not-so-little buddy (think family reunion swimming pool, not kiddie pool). Fill it with enough water to cover the crab completely, and here's where things get interesting. You can go the classic route with some salt, peppercorns, and maybe some lemon wedges for a citrusy kick. Feeling fancy? Throw in some Old Bay seasoning, a few bay leaves, or even some chopped fresh herbs. Just remember, don't overdo it. You want to enhance the crab's natural sweetness, not drown it in a flavor tsunami.
Now Let's Get This Boil On!: Crank up the heat and bring that water to a rolling boil. Once it's reached its angry bubble stage, gently (very gently, or you'll have a runaway crab situation) lower your buddy in. Set a timer for 15-20 minutes for larger crabs, 10-15 minutes for the smaller ones. Don't worry, the crab will turn a beautiful orange-red color when it's cooked through. Just don't let it turn into Angry Lobster Red, that's a sign of overcooked and potentially rubbery disaster.
Step 3: The Crackdown (This is Where the Fun Begins!)
Grab your tools: Crab crackers, nutcrackers, even a rolling pin in a pinch (though your significant other might give you the side-eye). WARNING: Crab legs can be sharp, so some kitchen gloves might be a good idea to avoid becoming best friends with a Band-Aid box.
The Moment of Truth: Spread out some newspaper (because things are about to get messy) and lay your cooked crab on its back. Crack those claws! There's white meat hiding in there, sweeter than candy and oh-so-worth the effort. Don't forget the legs! They're full of delicious meat too, just gotta work for it a little. The body cavity (or "carapalace" as I like to call it) holds the tomalley, a greenish-brown paste that some folks love (it's like crab butter!) and others avoid. It's your call, but a little goes a long way.
The Reward: Dip that sweet, succulent crab meat in melted butter, cocktail sauce, or your favorite dipping concoction. Stuff it in a sandwich, pile it high on a salad, or just go primal and eat it straight out of the shell. You've earned it, my friend!
Bonus Tip: Leftover crab meat? Don't toss it! Make crab cakes, stuff some mushrooms, or whip up a creamy crab bisque. The possibilities are endless!
So there you have it! You've conquered the Costco crab and emerged victorious (and hopefully not too maimed). Now go forth and crab like a champion!
