Conquer the Couch: A Guide to NFL Imperialism (Because Apparently, Fantasy Football Isn't Enough)
Let's face it, folks, the NFL season is a marathon, not a sprint. By Week 8, you've memorized every announcer's catchphrase (looking at you, Chris Collinsworth), and the thrill of the opening games has faded faster than a rogue highlighter in a highlighter graveyard (that under your desk, right?). Fear not, my fellow gridiron enthusiasts, for there's a glorious realm waiting to be explored: NFL Imperialism.
What in the Hail Mary is NFL Imperialism?
Think Risk, but with pigskins and stadiums instead of tanks and territories. Each team starts with its own fan base (or, ahem, lack thereof, we're looking at you, Jacksonville Jaguars). Throughout the season, victories grant you your opponent's territory, expanding your glorious NFL empire. Losses? Well, let's just say your cheerleading skills better be on point, because you're about to be singing the fight song of the victor... in public.
How to Dominate Like a Dynasty (Without Getting Kicked Out of the Bar)
Here's where things get interesting. You'll need a map – a physical one, not that fancy GPS thing your grandma uses. Think old-school world domination, complete with pushpins and highlighters (because seriously, where do those things even go?). Here's your battle plan:
- Claim Your Turf: Mark each state with its corresponding NFL team. No team in a state? That's neutral ground, my friend – prime real estate for the taking!
- Conquer with Class (or Lack Thereof): Whenever your team wins, mark the defeated team's territory with your glorious colors. Wins by a blowout? Maybe add a little celebratory doodle (a dancing dolphin for Miami, perhaps?). Losses? Brace yourself for the dreaded humiliation marker – the dreaded loser's logo. Be warned, this will likely involve crude stick figures and questionable artistic ability.
- The Trash-Talk Treaty: This is where the fun (and potential social exile) begins. Agree on the official method of trash talk – a victory chant, a handshake with questionable hygiene, or maybe a forced rendition of the opposing team's fight song ( badania-badania-we're gonna beat the... you get the idea).
Important NFL Imperialism Disclaimers (Because We Don't Want Anyone Crying)
- Friendships May Be Tested: There's a reason they call it friendly competition. Prepare for playful jabs (and maybe a thrown popcorn kernel or two) if your team reigns supreme.
- Geography Skills Not Included: Let's be honest, some of us struggle to find Wyoming on a map. Just claim any vaguely teal-colored territory as Jacksonville and hope for the best.
- Losers Beware: The walk of shame with a dunce cap fashioned from a paper bag is a very real possibility. Embrace it.
So there you have it, folks! A (hopefully) comprehensive guide to NFL Imperialism. Now get out there, conquer your living room, and maybe even branch out to the entire bar if you're feeling feisty (although security might have something to say about that). Remember, the goal isn't just to win, it's to establish yourself as the ultimate armchair emperor, highlighter scepter and all. May the odds (and the refs) be ever in your favor!
