So You Want Z+ Security? Hold My Spangled Banner (Because Apparently Bullets Bounce Off Those)
Living life on the edge? Do you wake up every morning with the nagging suspicion that breakfast cereal might be a cleverly disguised assassination attempt (looking at you, Sugar Smacks - those frosted bits are a choking hazard waiting to happen)? Well, my friend, you might be in need of an upgrade from your current security detail (aka your trusty spork). But before you go all Jason Bourne and strap a rocket-powered selfie stick to your back, let's explore the thrilling, hilarious, and occasionally terrifying world of Z+ security.
Step 1: Become Important (or at least pretend to be)
This might seem obvious, but Z+ security isn't exactly handed out like participation trophies. You need to be someone. A very important someone. We're talking political titans, whistle-blowing CEOs who discovered the recipe for eternal youth in a bag of stale Funyuns, or maybe even a particularly talented interpretive dancer whose routines are just too darn controversial (you never know these days).
Step 2: Cultivate Enemies (Not the Facebook kind)
Here's the thing: without a credible threat, Z+ security is about as useful as a chocolate teapot. So, how do you drum up some good old fashioned animosity?
- Option A: The Tell-All Biography Dish the dirt on everyone you've ever met! Expose all the political backstabbing, celebrity feuds, and questionable tax shelters of the rich and famous. Name names! Just make sure you have a good dental plan, because bridges ain't cheap these days.
- Option B: The Accidental Superhero Thwart a bank robbery with your surprisingly effective yodeling skills? Save a baby from a runaway stroller using only a strategically placed banana peel? These acts of heroism might endear you to the public, but they'll also make you a target for disgruntled supervillains with a peanut allergy (thanks, Captain Sticky Fingers!).
Step 3: Master the Art of Looking Busy (While Secretly Googling "How to Make Friends and Influence People")
Once you've got the whole "important person with enemies" thing down, it's time to convince the authorities you need protection. Here's your cheat sheet:
- The Entourage Effect: Surround yourself with people who look important. Rent some guys in black suits and sunglasses, procure a flock of carrier pigeons for dramatic message delivery (because carrier owls are just too mainstream).
- The Important Meeting Shuffle: Always be seen hurrying to and fro with briefcases overflowing with...well, important-looking papers. Bonus points if they're upside down and written in a language no one understands (Swahili would be a good choice, it's very rhythmic for dramatic briefcase slams).
Step 4: Embrace the Fabulous Life (of Constant Paranoia)
Congratulations! You've convinced everyone you're a VIP in mortal danger. Now comes the best part: dodging bullets and laser beams while living a life of luxury (because apparently, danger and cashmere go hand in hand). Just remember, with great security detail comes great responsibility...like having to explain to your NSG commando why your pet goldfish needs an armored tank.
Disclaimer: This guide is purely for entertainment purposes. At the end of the day, we recommend a healthy dose of self-awareness and a genuine connection with your fellow humans over paranoia and bulletproof umbrellas. But hey, if interpretative dance revolutions are your thing, who are we to judge?
