You're Sick? Don't Worry, I'm Not a Doctor (But I Did Stay at a Holiday Inn Express Last Night)
Ah, the common cold. The plague of humanity since, well, forever. Or maybe you've got something a touch more exciting, like the dreaded "Ugh, I Don't Even Know What Hit Me" Flu. Whatever nasty is knocking on your door, fear not, weary traveler! For I, a scholar of the internet and champion of couch naps, am here to guide you through the treacherous terrain of getting healthy...ish.
Step 1: Denial is a Beautiful River in Egypt
First things first: deny, deny, deny! This ailment is clearly a figment of your imagination. A conspiracy by Big Blanket to sell more snuggly fleece. Just ignore the pounding headache, the Niagara Falls impression coming from your nose, and that hacking cough that sounds like a dying walrus. Surely, a positive mental attitude will magically cure you. (Unless it's actually the plague. Then maybe see a doctor)
Step 2: Embrace the Power of Google
Now that you've convinced yourself you're healthy (or at least not the plague), it's time to become a medical mastermind! Hit up Google and type in your symptoms with dramatic flair. "Scaly skin, uncontrollable laughter, and a craving for polka-dotted socks? Must be the Dreadful Polka-Sock Flu!" Just ignore the endless WebMD results that tell you you have every disease from the Black Death to spontaneous human combustion.
**Step 3: Soupercharge Your Recovery
Food is medicine, my friend! Or at least that's what your grandma (and those questionable internet quizzes) told you. Fill your fridge with questionable concoctions. Chicken noodle soup is a classic, but feel free to experiment! Mayonnaise and pickle juice smoothie? (Don't knock it till you try it).
**Step 4: Netflix and Chill... Literally, Shiver uncontrollably
Who needs human interaction when you have the glorious world of streaming services? Binge-watch every medical drama known to man. (Bonus points if they involve a team of ridiculously good-looking doctors). By the time you emerge from your fever-induced coma, (hopefully feeling better), you'll be a self-proclaimed medical genius (disclaimer: this does not qualify you for actual medical practice).
Step 5: The Great Vitamin C Gummy Bear Heist
Vitamin C is your new best friend. (Except don't try to befriend actual oranges, they might judge you). Stockpile enough gummy bears to rival Willy Wonka's factory. (Just don't blame me when you get a sugar crash).
Step 6: Sleep It Off... Like, a Lot
Your body is a temple (okay, maybe a germ-infested warzone right now), but sleep is the ultimate healer! (Except for those nightmares about giant, sentient gummy bears). Burrow under a mountain of blankets and become one with the couch.
**By following these totally legit (mostly ridiculous) steps, you'll be back on your feet in no time! (Unless you have the plague, in which case, see a doctor). Remember, laughter is the best medicine (unless you're coughing, then it just makes your ribs hurt). So stay positive, (avoid questionable internet diagnoses), and get well soon!
