You, Too, Can Be a Cartographic Conqueror: A Guide to NFL Imperialism Maps
Let's face it, the NFL season is a glorious, brutal, and occasionally beer-soaked odyssey. But what if you crave a little more, a way to channel your inner Attila the Hun (with better dental hygiene, hopefully)? Enter the NFL Imperialism Map, a cartographic conquest unlike any other. It's like Risk, but with pigskin and way less crying.
Step 1: Claim Your Turf (and Maybe Your Neighbor's Lawn)
First things first, you need a map. This could be anything from a dusty old atlas to a placemat featuring a questionable rendering of North America (bonus points for ketchup stains that vaguely resemble the Great Lakes). The key is to clearly define the territories. Here are your options:
- State Supremacy: Each state belongs to the NFL team within its borders. Texas? That's a three-headed beast, y'all.
- County Conquest: For the micromanagers out there, claim counties based on the closest NFL stadium. Warning: this can get dicey in states with multiple teams (looking at you, Florida).
- Fanatic Fiefdoms: Feeling particularly bold? Divide territories based on self-proclaimed fan density. This might require creative surveying methods, like strategically placed lawn signs and inflatable mascots.
Pro Tip: If you're feeling indecisive, a good old-fashioned coin toss never hurt anyone. Just make sure it's not a commemorative Super Bowl coin – those things are collector's items!
Step 2: The Bloody (or Should We Say "Saucy") Battles Begin
Now comes the fun part: the games! Every time your chosen team wins, claim the loser's territory. How you do this is entirely up to you. Here are some suggestions, from mild to moderately maniacal:
- Sharpie Supremacy: The classic approach. Just be careful not to bleed through to the next page (unless it's the team you hate, then by all means, bleed on!).
- Sticker Shock: Colorful and customizable! Just make sure your chosen stickers adhere well – nobody wants a rogue decal fluttering off mid-season.
- The Condiment Conquest: Ketchup for the Chiefs? Mustard for the Packers? This is a messy but undeniably satisfying option. Just make sure your significant other doesn't confuse the map for a particularly aggressive charcuterie board.
Remember: Victories are glorious, but losses sting. Be prepared to relinquish conquered territories if your team suffers a defeat. This is where the real emotional rollercoaster begins.
Step 3: Document Your Domination (and Maybe Taunt Your Friends)
As the season progresses, your map will transform into a glorious testament to your team's gridiron prowess (or lack thereof). Feel free to document your journey on social media. Here are some winning captions:
- "My map is starting to resemble the Byzantine Empire in its prime... if the Byzantines wore cheesehead hats." (For Packers Fans)
- "This map is proof positive that Tom Brady's reign of terror will never truly end." (For Anyone Who Isn't a Patriots Fan)
- "Just a casual reminder to everyone who doubted us. #FearTheTeal!" (For Jacksonville Jaguars Fans, if They Dare)
The ultimate goal? To be the sole ruler of your chosen map by the end of the season. But hey, even if your team ends up looking like they got lost in a confetti blizzard, you'll have a hilarious, war-torn map to remember the journey by.
So there you have it, folks! With a little creativity and a whole lot of NFL fandom, you can become a cartographic conqueror in no time. Now, grab your map, your favorite beverage (preferably not one that stains easily), and get ready to dominate the gridiron... on paper, at least.
