How To Win Nfl Division

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How to Totally Dominate Your NFL Division (Without Actually Playing Football)

Let's face it, folks, putting on the pads and slinging spirals like Mahomes is easier said than done. But fear not, armchair quarterback extraordinaire! This guide will turn you into a divisional mastermind, even if your knowledge of coverages comes from strategically placing cushions on the couch.

Step 1: Become a Master of Motivation (and Snacks)

  • Rally the Troops (Living Room Edition): Your team needs your unwavering support. Wear your jersey with pride (bonus points for grease stains from last night's nachos). Learn the fight song (shouting incoherent noises works in a pinch). Pro tip: Yelling at the TV doesn't count as exercise, so get those victory high-fives in with your fellow fans (even if they're just inflatable palm trees).
  • Fuel the Machine: No touchdowns for you without proper sustenance. Load up on game-day grub. Chicken wings? Absolutely necessary. Dips so good they'd make opposing defensive lines defect? A strategic advantage. Remember, a full belly equals a happy fanbase, and a happy fanbase can psych out the competition (or at least leave a memorable impression on the neighbors).

Step 2: Scouting for Dummies

Who needs fancy analytics when you have good ol' fashioned intuition? Here's your cheat sheet:

  • The Evil Emperor: Identify your division rival's quarterback. Is he prone to interceptions? Excellent! Mentally project a laser beam coming out of your eyes every time he throws. It might not actually work, but it'll make you feel powerful.
  • The Rest of the Schlubs: These guys are basically nameless red jerseys until they dare to challenge your team. Just remember, any team can be a threat on a given Sunday (especially if they have a good running back and your team forgot to buy antacids).

Step 3: Coaching from the Cheap Seats

  • Second Guessing is Your Superpower: Disagree with the head coach's playcalling? Let the world know! Your booming voice will surely inspire the offensive coordinator to switch things up. If not, at least you've gotten some good-natured ribbing out of your system.
  • The Art of the "No Pressure" Play: Every third down becomes a life-or-death situation when you're calling the shots from the couch. Silently mutter the perfect play under your breath. If the team scores, you're a genius! If not, well, nobody saw you mutter "Hail Mary, full of cheese dip..."

Step 4: Celebrating Like a Champ (Even When You're Not)

  • Victory Laps Around the Living Room: Your team just won the division? Time to recreate that epic Lambeau Leap...from the safety of your ottoman. Just be sure to warn any unsuspecting pets beforehand.
  • The Post-Game Feast of Champions: Pizza? Burgers? Why not both? You deserve it! After all, you basically willed your team to victory through sheer snack-fueled enthusiasm.

Remember: While this guide offers a foolproof (mostly) plan for divisional dominance, there's always a chance your actual team might, you know, play well too. But hey, a little extra motivation never hurt anyone (except maybe the coffee table that didn't survive your last touchdown dance). Now get out there, armchair champions, and dominate your division...one high-five and buffalo wing at a time!

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