You Pump You? A Millennial's Guide to Not Exploding at the Gas Station
Let's face it, millennials can order a flat white with oat milk and a sprinkle of unicorn tears blindfolded, but pumping gas? That cold, clicky contraption with more hoses than a plumber's convention? Pure intimidation. But fear not, fellow young grasshopper! This guide will transform you from a bewildered bystander to a masterful refueler (or at least someone who doesn't accidentally siphon wiper fluid).
Step 1: The Pump Picking Party
First things first, pull up to a pump. Pro Tip: Avoid the one with the grumpy-looking Dobermann on leesh guarding the nozzle. Now, don't overthink it. Whichever unleaded option matches your car's manual (yes, some cars have manuals these days, believe it or not) is your champion. Diesel? Not today, Satan.
Step 2: The Dance of the Dispenser
There it is, the magnificent machine. Don't be intimidated by the hieroglyphics of buttons and cryptic symbols. Mostly you just need the one that looks like a gas pump itself. Bold Just kidding, don't push random buttons. We're not trying to launch a surprise car wash here.
Step 3: The Nozzle Nosedive
Grab the nozzle firmly, but gently, like a handshake with a nervous kitten. Important Note: This is not a flamethrower. Direct it towards your car's designated fuel hole (consult your car's manual again, if needed). It should fit snugly, like a key in a lock (except way more flammable, so maybe a less reassuring metaphor).
Step 4: The Pump and the Fury
Squeeze the trigger! Okay, it's more of a lever, but you get the idea. Fuel will magically flow, and the counter will delightfully tick upwards. Do not be alarmed by the rapid fire increase in price. Just breathe and focus on the mesmerizing display (retail therapy in liquid form?).
Step 5: The Grand Finale (or How Not to Become a Human Gas Geyser)
Here's the key part: Stop pumping before your tank overflows. There's a handy little shutoff mechanism on the nozzle, kind of like a gas station angel looking out for your clumsiness. Once it clicks, you're golden.
Step 6: Pay Up, Buttercup
Head inside and settle your dues. Cash, card, tap to pay with your phone (the future is now!) - most stations offer a variety of options. Congratulations! You've successfully refueled your car without causing an environmental incident (or at least a minor fire).
Bonus Round: Attendant Appreciation
While some stations are self-serve, others have friendly attendants to assist you. A simple "thank you" goes a long way. Remember, they deal with confused millennials like us all day.
Remember: If all else fails, don't be afraid to ask for help. There's no shame in admitting defeat to a gas pump. Besides, the attendant will probably get a good chuckle out of your millennial meltdown.
