The Big Apple Gets Drenched: A Totally Unofficial Guide to Surviving a Mega-Tsunami in NYC
Hey there, high-rise dwellers and bodega enthusiasts! Ever dreamt of your morning commute involving a surfboard instead of a crammed subway car? Well, buckle up, because we're diving headfirst (pun intended) into a scenario that would make even Aquaman sweat: a mega-tsunami hitting the Big Apple.
Warning: This is not a drill (but seriously, it probably won't happen)
Let's get the boring stuff out of the way first. Geologists say a mega-tsunami on the East Coast is unlikely. But hey, stranger things have happened (talking to you, 2020). So, for the sake of preparedness and sheer entertainment value, let's imagine the unthinkable.
Stages of Grief... I mean, a Mega-Tsunami
- Denial: "Nah, that's just the East River overflowing again. Happens all the time." (Famous last words)
- Bargaining: "Okay, okay, there's a wave. But maybe if I offer it a slice of dollar pizza, it'll chill?" (Spoiler alert: it won't.)
- Anger: "WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME ABOUT THIS?!" (Directed entirely at pigeons who seem suspiciously calm.)
- Acceptance: "Fine, giant wave. You win. But at least I can finally ditch this rent-controlled shoebox!" (This might be the only positive outcome.)
Evacuation Tactics: When Running Like a Tourist Isn't Enough
Forget subway chaos, this is full-on Jetsonsons escape pod situation. Here are your (somewhat) realistic options:
- Become Aquaman (without the abs): Dust off that inflatable pool floatie you ironically bought for summer. It's your chariot now, buddy.
- Parkour like a pro: Those fire escapes you always complain about dodging on your way to work? Time to put those bad boys to good use. Just don't blame us if you Spiderman-fail into a bodega awning.
- Bribe a friendly pigeon with a bagel: Hey, if they can navigate rush hour traffic, maybe they can lead you to safety. No promises, though.
Pro Tip: Befriend a doorman with a secret rooftop access. High ground is your best friend (besides that bagel-loving pigeon, maybe).
What NOT to Do (Because Desperation Can Lead to Dumb Decisions)
- Trying to outrun the wave on a Citi Bike: We love our Citi Bikes, but they're not exactly designed for tsunami surfing contests.
- Stocking up on instant ramen at the bodega: Let's be honest, even a mega-tsunami can't destroy the eternal supply of instant ramen in this city.
- Calling your ex to dramatically confess your feelings: This isn't the apocalypse movie montage you think it is. Focus on staying alive, people!
Remember: In the face of a giant wave, sarcasm is your best defense mechanism.
Look, folks, a mega-tsunami in NYC is about as likely as finding a decent apartment for under $1,000 a month. But hey, who doesn't love a good disaster prep daydream? Just remember, stay positive, grab a bagel (for yourself and maybe a helpful pigeon), and if the worst comes to worst, channel your inner surfer dude and ride that wave... all the way to safety (hopefully).
