The Heroic Quest of the Chicago Bears: How to Reach the Playoffs (and Not Trip Over Your Own Shoelaces)
Die-hard Chicago Bears fans, buckle up! It's that time of year again. Not exactly playoff time, more like "delusional optimism mixed with a healthy dose of tequila" time. But hey, a little hope never hurt anyone (except maybe that guy who sat on the edge of his seat all season believing Mitch Trubisky would win a Super Bowl).
So, the Bears. Playoffs. Let's be honest, the odds are about as good as encountering a happy dentist on a Monday morning. But fear not, fellow sufferers in navy and orange! There's a glimmer, a whisper, a statistical anomaly (emphasis on anomaly) that suggests a path, however unlikely, to the postseason.
Step 1: Channel Your Inner Houdini (Escape Artistry Required)
First things first, the Bears gotta win their remaining games. Like, actually win. Not a close call where the other team misses a game-winning field goal by a mile. We're talking dominant victories, the kind that leave opposing fans speechless and reaching for the Pepto-Bismol.
Subheading: Pro Tip - Invent a Time Machine
This might be the easiest option. Go back in time, win those close games they fumbled in the fourth quarter, and voila! Playoffs, baby! Just don't accidentally trip over yourself in the past and mess up the space-time continuum. Nobody wants another Butterfly Effect situation.
Step 2: Bribery and Backroom Deals (Not Recommended, But We're Brainstorming Here)
Maybe the Bears can offer opposing teams some truly irresistible incentives. Like a lifetime supply of deep dish pizza (questionable tactic) or a participation trophy the size of Soldier Field (slightly more tempting). Just don't get caught by Roger Goodell, or there'll be more flags flying than on a windy Chicago day.
Subheading: Alternative - Hire a Pack of Adorable Kittens as Defensive Backs
Who can resist a cute kitten batting down a football? It's practically a touchdown of adorableness. Plus, those claws could be a real deterrent to opposing receivers. Just make sure they're declawed first. Feline fury is one thing, feline lawsuits are another.
Step 3: The Great Pillow Fort of Destiny (Embrace the Power of Positive Visualization)
Here's the thing: if enough Bears fans truly believe, with every fiber of their being, in a playoff run, maybe, just maybe, it will manifest. It's like the sporting world's version of The Secret. Gather your fellow fans, construct a pillow fort worthy of a medieval siege, and visualize the Bears hoisting the Lombardi trophy. Positive vibes only!
Subheading: Plan B - Hire a Really, Really Good Hypnotist
Mass hypnosis might work too. Just make sure the hypnotist doesn't accidentally convince everyone they're witnessing the return of the Super Bowl Shuffle. We've all had enough of that for one lifetime.
Look, folks, the Bears making the playoffs is a long shot. But hey, that's what makes being a fan so much fun! We get to dream the impossible dream, witness the occasional fumble recovery for a touchdown, and argue with strangers on the internet about playcalling. So raise a glass of Malört (it's an acquired taste!), put on your most optimistic Bears gear, and hold onto that sliver of hope. After all, in the wacky world of the NFL, anything is possible. Except maybe the Bears winning the division. Let's be real.
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