Windy City Wannabe? How to Officially Become a Chicagoan (and Avoid Saying "Pop" for Soda)
So, you've been bitten by the Chicago bug. You crave deep dish pizza that could feed a small village, dream of catching foul balls at Wrigley, and secretly believe saying "pop" for soda is a national security risk. But before you can truly embrace the inner Chicagoan and mercilessly judge tourists for wearing shorts in February, there's one hurdle: residency.
Fear not, fellow enthusiast! Establishing residency in Chicago is easier than navigating rush hour traffic on Lake Shore Drive (though that's not saying much). Here's your hilarious guide (mostly true, with a sprinkle of satire) to becoming a certified Chicagoan.
Step 1: Ditch the Fake Fan Badge
Let's be honest, Chicagoans have a sixth sense for detecting posers. Wearing a Cubs hat you bought at the airport won't cut it. Earn your fandom cred. Spend an afternoon getting sunburnt at Wrigley (because let's face it, sunscreen is for tourists) and learn the anthems of "Go, Cubs, Go!" and "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" (bonus points for knowing all the verses).
Step 2: Embrace the Elements (Maybe Not All of Them)
Chicago boasts four distinct seasons: a slightly-less-cold-than-Antarctica winter, a spring that feels like a manic-depressive episode weather-wise, a summer that's basically a giant humidity chamber, and a fall that's like a victory lap before the inevitable doom of winter. Prove your commitment by complaining about all of them, but secretly loving the cozy vibes of fall.
Step 3: Master the Art of the Deep Dish
This is not a drill. You must be able to navigate a mountain of cheese, sauce, and dough with grace (and minimal napkin usage). Folding it is a rookie mistake. Chicagoans use a knife and fork, like civilized people (or at least pretend to).
Step 4: Dialect Do's and Don'ts
Speaking the Queen's English? Cute. Here's a crash course:
- Do: Say "gida" (garden) and "sammich" (sandwich).
- Don't: Ever utter the word "pop." It's soda, pop is for balloons.
- Maybe: Attempt the Chicago accent, but be prepared for hilarious results (think: a mix of Al Capone and your favorite sitcom character).
Step 5: Become a Bureaucratic Butterfly
Okay, this part might be less fun. You'll need to get an Illinois driver's license, register to vote, and update your mailing address. Basically, become best friends with the DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles) and enjoy the thrill of waiting in line for what feels like an eternity.
Congratulations! You're Practically a Chicagoan
Now that you've mastered the art of deep dish, endured the elements, and aced the residency requirements, you're practically a Chicagoan. Just remember, residency is a privilege, not a right. So, uphold the city's legacy by filling potholes with Italian beef sandwiches (not really, but it would be pretty funny), and welcome to the windy city, friend!
