The Windy City vs. The Whiskey Runners: A Chicagoan's Guide to Evicting Unwanted Rodent Roommates
Ah, Chicago. City of broad shoulders, deep-dish pizza, and...uninvited rat guests? Don't worry, these furry freeloaders aren't exactly on the tourism brochures, but they do seem to have a permanent residency permit. But fear not, fellow Chicagoan! This guide will turn you from a rodent roommate to a ruthless eviction expert.
Step One: Denial Ain't Just a River in Egypt (It's Probably Not in Chicago Either)
Let's face it, the first sign of a rat is like that embarrassing uncle at Thanksgiving dinner – you really, really wish it wasn't there. But denial is a recipe for disaster (and possibly chewed electrical wires). Those scurrying sounds behind the walls? Not your overactive imagination's rendition of a jazz band. That mysterious nibble mark on your bagel? Not a rogue squirrel with a bagel fetish. It's time to face the whiskered facts: you've got rats.
Step Two: Operation: Fort Knoxify Your Kitchen (Because These Rodents Think They're in a Heist Movie)
Food is the siren song for rats, so you need to turn your kitchen into a vault Fort Knox would be jealous of. Seal. Everything. Crackers? Airtight container. Pet food? Metal bin with a snap-lock lid. That half-eaten burrito from last week? Listen, I won't judge, but chuck it in the double-bagged bin outside (and maybe question your life choices later). Remember, even crumbs are a gourmet meal to a rat.
Bonus Tip: Wipe down your counters religiously. These guys aren't picky eaters, and even a smear of ketchup is a five-star feast in their grubby little world.
Step Three: Traps? There's a Better Way (Unless You Enjoy Cleaning Up After Rodent Murder Scenes)
Sure, you could go medieval with snap traps, but let's be honest, cleaning up after a squished rat is barely a step above cohabitating with them. **The City of Chicago actually offers free rodent baiting services! [3] **They'll send out the professionals (who have much stronger stomachs than you) to place traps in strategic locations. It's basically a free eviction service, minus the awkwardness of explaining to your landlord why you need a burly dude with a badge to remove your roommate.
Step Four: Caulk Your Wagon (and Every Other Crack You See)
Rats are like tiny ninjas – they can squeeze through the tiniest cracks. Become their worst nightmare by sealing any potential entry points with caulk, steel wool, or a combination of both. Think of yourself as the Heimlich maneuver for your house – plugging any holes that could lead to unwanted critters. Pay special attention to pipes, around your foundation, and anywhere else that looks a little too inviting for a midnight rat snack run.
Step Five: Celebrate Your Victory (With Deep Dish, Obviously)
You've done it! Through a combination of cunning, cleaning, and strategic bait placement, you've evicted those pesky rodents and reclaimed your home. Crack open a celebratory deep dish (because what's more Chicagoan than pizza and perseverance?), knowing that your kitchen is now officially a rat-free zone.
Remember, vigilance is key. Keep your house clean, eliminate food sources, and seal up any potential entry points. With a little effort, you can turn your home from a rat trap to a rodent-repelling fortress. Just be sure to warn your guests in advance in case they mistake all the caulking for an unusual interior design choice.
