So You Want to Be Big News in the Afterlife? A Guide to Placing a New York Times Obituary (That Won't Break the Bank...Probably)
Let's face it, folks, none of us are getting out of here alive. But hey, that doesn't mean you can't go out with a bang! Placing a paid obituary in the New York Times is practically a status symbol for the dearly departed. It's like the Oscars, but with less yelling and way more ghosts.
Don't Fear the Reaper (Just the Bill)
Before you get swept away in visions of Pulitzer Prizes for your dearly departed's life story, let's talk turkey. The New York Times doesn't exactly give away these obituaries like candy corn on Halloween. They charge by the line, so every witty anecdote and heartwarming memory about Aunt Mildred's questionable fashion choices is gonna cost you.
Here's the skinny:
- Length is your enemy: Keep it short and sweet, folks. Unless your loved one was Mother Teresa or invented sliced bread, a novel-length obit probably isn't necessary.
- Plan ahead (or write your own, just in case): If you're feeling particularly morbid (or proactive!), you can actually pre-write your own obituary and submit it to the Times. Just be sure to keep it updated... unless you're really hoping that bowling trophy collection becomes a national sensation.
Crafting Your Epic Farewell: From Inking Eulogies to Avoiding Eulogy Snoozefests
Now that you've grasped the financial realities, let's get down to the nitty-gritty: writing the obituary itself. Here are some tips to make sure your loved one's send-off is as interesting as their life (hopefully):
- Humor is your friend: Did Uncle Bob have a legendary prank war with the mailman? Did Grandma win the county pie competition three years running? Spice things up! A little humor can go a long way in making the obituary memorable (and stopping people from skimming).
- Focus on the good stuff (mostly): Look, we all have our quirks, but the obituary isn't the place to air Uncle Frank's sock-puppet obsession. Focus on the positive aspects of your loved one's life and the impact they had on others.
- Proofread like a hawk: There's nothing quite like immortalizing your loved one with a typo about their favorite sports team. Double and triple-check everything before submitting.
How To: The FAQ
You've got the gist, but maybe you have a few lingering questions. Fear not! Here are some quick answers to some commonly asked questions:
- How much does it cost? Prices vary depending on length, but expect to shell out a few hundred bucks.
- How long will it take to get published? Obituaries are typically published within 24-48 hours of submission.
- Can I submit a photo? Absolutely! A picture is worth a thousand words, especially when it comes to remembering your loved one's dazzling smile (or questionable mustache).
- Do I have to write it myself? Nope! There are services available to help you craft the perfect obituary.
- Is there a word limit? There isn't a hard limit, but space is money. Aim for around 200 words or less.
So there you have it! Now you're armed with the knowledge to ensure your loved one gets the send-off they deserve, even if it comes with a hefty price tag. Remember, it's not about going viral (though that would be a story!), it's about celebrating a life well-lived and giving them a proper goodbye. Just be sure they wouldn't mind you mentioning that questionable toupee in the obit.
