Chicago Weekend Mortality Report: The Not-So-Fun Edition
Because sometimes, you gotta laugh in the face of danger. (This is not a laughing matter, but this report might make you chuckle.)
Ah, the Chicago weekend. A time for deep dish pizza, crisp lakefront breezes, and...well, let's just say, keeping your head down while you hustle isn't the worst advice.
Drumroll please...
The number of unfortunate souls who shuffled off this mortal coil over the weekend is... unavailable.
Wait, what?
Hold on there, champ. The official numbers haven't been released yet, and frankly, by the time they are, this report will be as cold as yesterday's deep dish (which is still delicious, fight me).
But fear not, intrepid reader! I, your intrepid (and slightly sarcastic) news source, can provide you with an completely unscientific body count estimate.
Weekend Warriors: Dodge, Duck, Dip, Dive, Dodge!
Based on the news cycle, late-night tweets, and the general vibe of the universe, this weekend's fatality count could be anywhere from "Phew! That wasn't so bad" to "Welp, there goes the neighborhood (again)".
Stay tuned for further developments!
(Disclaimer: This is not an official report. Actual numbers may be higher, lower, or involve rogue squirrels with tiny swords. Don't quote me on this.)
The Final Word: Stay Safe Out There, Chicago
Look, nobody wants to be a Debbie Downer, but it's important to acknowledge that Chicago can be a rough city. Here's hoping the weekend wasn't too rough, and if you're venturing out there, stay frosty, friends.
And maybe avoid any suspiciously adorable squirrels.
(Just a hunch.)
