The Great Chicago River Gun Census: Are There More Fish or Firearms?
Ah, the Chicago River. A majestic urban waterway, a vital shipping channel, and according to some late-night conspiracy theories, a secret underwater armory. We've all heard the whispers: gangsters tossing their heat into the murky depths, Tommy Guns rusting alongside shopping carts, a whole ecosystem of catfish with trigger-finger reflexes.
But how many guns are ACTUALLY down there? Probably not enough to arm a minnow militia, but let's take a plunge (metaphorically speaking, because that water is, shall we say, "character building").
Here's what we DO know:
- Chicago has a well-documented gun violence problem. This is not a laughing matter.
- Cops occasionally dredge up firearms during river clean-up efforts. Think of it as a bonus prize in your Clif Bar wrapper.
- The Chicago River flows through a densely populated area. Things fall in, folks. It happens.
But here's the thing:
- The Chicago River is gross. Like, seriously nasty. Imagine a lukewarm bathtub filled with leftover gym socks and regret. Not exactly ideal gun storage.
- The current is strong. These aren't exactly museum-quality firearms we're talking about. They're more likely to become scrap metal than collector's items.
- Fish gotta eat! Anything metal and shiny down there is fair game for a catfish with a serious case of the munchies. Think of it as nature's way of enforcing gun control.
So, the answer? Nobody really knows. There's no official count, and frankly, the conditions down there are probably more suited to spawning mutant eels than preserving antique pistols.
The good news? The Chicago River is slowly getting cleaner, which means less habitat for rogue weaponry and more space for actual fish.
The bad news? This probably won't stop late-night internet sleuths from speculating about a secret underwater arsenal. Hey, to each their own, right?
In conclusion: The Chicago River may not be a firearm graveyard, but it's a fascinating (and sometimes baffling) body of water. Let's focus on keeping it clean and healthy, for the sake of the ecosystem and, well, maybe to avoid any potential mutant catfish uprisings.
