The Big Apple's Not-So-Big Bounce: A Totally Unscientific Look at NYC Jumpers (Because Seriously, Don't Jump!)
Hey there, thrill seekers and existentialists alike! Today we're diving headfirst (hopefully not literally) into the curious case of New York City's jumpers. Now, before you get all "Eagle Eye" on me picturing secret squirrel government data, let's be clear: we're not counting those breakdancing legends on cardboard boxes in Times Square (although, major props to their core strength).
We're talking about the folks who, for whatever reason, decide to take a one-way trip down Gravity Lane. But how many brave souls (or perhaps slightly less brave souls) are taking this, ahem, unconventional sightseeing tour?
The Numbers Game (But Not Like a High Stakes Poker Game)
Unfortunately, there's no official tally of New York City's jumpers because, well, you know, they don't exactly fill out a questionnaire before taking the leap. However, we can glean some insights from the not-so-cheery world of suicide statistics.
The New York City Department of Health reports that around 542 people died by suicide in 2020, with jumping being one of the methods. Now, that's a sobering number, and if you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out for help (we'll get to some resources in a sec).
But for our little thought experiment, let's say not all jumping deaths are intentional. Maybe a rogue squirrel startled someone mid-window cleaning? Perhaps a particularly enthusiastic pigeon mistook a tourist for a birdseed dispenser? Hey, it's New York, anything's possible!
The Great New York City Jumping Conspiracy Theory (Just Kidding, Please Don't Take This Seriously)
So, what if the real number of jumpers is, like, way lower? Like, single digits even? Maybe the government is hiding information to keep the tourists flowing and the pigeons fed! (Disclaimer: This is a joke. Please don't write a fan fiction novel about it)
Look, Folks, Here's the Real Deal
Jumping off a building is a terrible idea. There's a whole world of delicious pizza, overpriced Broadway shows, and hot dog stands with questionable mystery meat waiting for you.
If you're feeling down, please reach out to a crisis hotline or mental health professional. Here are a couple of resources:
- NYC Well: 1-888-NYC-WELL
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988
How To Not Be a Statistic: A Totally Unqualified But Hopefully Helpful FAQ
How to deal with feeling down? Talk to a friend, family member, therapist, or call a crisis hotline. There's no shame in asking for help!
How to appreciate the beauty of life, even in New York City? People-watching in Central Park, catching a free concert in Bryant Park, or heck, even just marveling at the sheer chutzpah of a pigeon stealing a bagel.
How to avoid getting startled by pigeons? Wear a hat. Pigeons seem to have a particular aversion to headwear. Science? Maybe not. But hey, it's worth a shot, right?
How many jumpers are there in New York City? We don't know for sure (and it's not a competition we want anyone to "win").
How to get help if you're thinking about jumping? Call a crisis hotline or mental health professional. Your life is valuable.
