Windy City Weekend: More Bullets or Burgers?
Hey there, news junkies! You know the drill, another weekend in Chicago and we're all wondering the same thing: Was it ketchup or crimson staining the streets?
Fear not, thrill-seekers (or maybe worry-seekers?), because we're here to dig into the body count... metaphorically speaking, of course. We wouldn't want to traumatize you with any actual details (unless it involves a particularly dramatic gang shootout involving pigeons... those things are vicious).
The Official Body Count (cue dramatic music):
Unfortunately, since I can't share real-time crime data (city keeps that under lock and key, along with the secret recipe for deep-dish pizza), we'll have to rely on the good ol' news cycle.
- Scenario A: The Perfect Picnic Weekend - If you're reading headlines that sound like poems about frolicking puppies and blooming tulips, then congratulations, Chicago had a violence-free weekend! In which case, this whole article is pointless, but hey, at least you can finally enjoy that picnic without dodging stray bullets.
- Scenario B: The Chi-raq Chronicles - Uh oh. If every news channel sounds like a Michael Bay movie trailer, then you might be in for a bumpy ride. Numbers will vary, but expect headlines like "Weekend Shootout Spree Leaves More Holes Than Swiss Cheese!"
Here's the TL;DR:
We can't tell you the exact number without consulting the Chicago Crime Oracle (patent pending), but check the news. If it sounds like a horror movie script, batten down the hatches. If it reads like a sonnet about springtime, fire up the grill!
Stay safe out there, friends! And remember, laughter is the best medicine (except maybe for gunshot wounds, in which case, a doctor is highly recommended).
