Windy City Weekend: Shootings or Fireworks? (Spoiler Alert: Not Fireworks)
Ah, Chicago. City of broad shoulders, deep-dish pizza, and... a weekend soundtrack that sounds suspiciously like gunfire. Look, nobody wants to rain on your parade (unless it's a literal parade, those can get soggy), but it's that time again to answer the age-old question: how many bullets did Cupid (or maybe his angrier cousin, Rage) fling around the Windy City this weekend?
The Great Counting Caper: Numbers Vary More Than Chicago Weather
Figuring out the exact number is like trying to predict the weather in Chicago - it changes every five minutes. News outlets are quoting anything from 6 unfortunate souls getting clipped to a whopping 10 folks catching lead poisoning. The Chicago Police Department, bless their weekend-warrior hearts, are probably still dodging stray bullets themselves to give a definitive answer.
What We Do Know: It Wasn't a Lullaby
Here's the not-so-funny part: there were definitely way too many shootings. Enough to make you wonder if maybe someone ordered a citywide game of "Duck, Duck, Goose?" with a particularly itchy trigger finger.
On the Lighter Side (Because Seriously, We Need Laughter): Weekend Gunfire Edition
- Local Hospitals Offering Frequent Flyer Miles: Seriously, these doctors deserve a vacation after patching up more bullet holes than a Swiss cheese convention.
- Doves Released at Weddings Replaced with Bullet Dodging Exhibitions: It's a new Chicago tradition! Thrilling, right?
- Rapper's New Hit Song: "Chi-Town Shootout Shuffle" Guaranteed to be a club banger (with a bulletproof vest fashion line).
Look, folks, Chicago is a fantastic city. But the weekend gun violence? Not fantastic. Here's to hoping for next weekend's soundtrack to be filled with the joyful sounds of jazz, not the staccato rhythm of gunfire.
