Windy City Weekend: Shootings or Fireworks? (It's Probably Shootings)
Ah, Chicago. City of broad shoulders, deep dish pizza, and... a weekend soundtrack that sounds suspiciously like gunfire. Don't worry, folks, this isn't your grandpappy's Al Capone extravaganza (although, side note, that would be one heck of a tourist attraction). This is the 21st century, where we settle our differences with high-powered weaponry and the occasional strongly-worded tweet.
So, how many folks got ventilated this past weekend in the Windy City? Well, buckle up, because depending on the news source you trust, it's somewhere between a clown car full of misfortune (6) and a particularly enthusiastic game of paintball gone wrong (10).
Now, before you cancel your trip and stock up on canned goods, here's the thing: Most of these altercations happen in specific areas, and let's be honest, tourists usually aren't rocking gang colors or arguing over the last deep dish slice (although, if they are, that's a story I want to hear).
That being said, if you're planning on visiting Chicago this summer, here are some handy tips to navigate the city's unique brand of weekend entertainment:
- Download the "Not Gunfire" App: This innovative app uses sophisticated algorithms (or maybe just a really good ear) to differentiate between celebratory fireworks and, well, you know, the other kind.
- Invest in a Bulletproof Backpack: Fashionable? No. Effective? Debatable. Hilarious at security checkpoints? Absolutely.
- Learn some Chicago Slang: Mastering phrases like "beef" and "throwing shade" will not only impress the locals, but it might also help you identify a potential disagreement before it escalates.
Remember, folks, Chicago is a vibrant city with a lot to offer. Just stay frosty, keep your head down (not literally, that's rude), and maybe avoid wearing red or blue (unless you're a die-hard Cubs fan, those boys deserve some support).
P.S. If you do happen to witness a weekend "celebration," don't be a hero. Just politely excuse yourself and mosey on over to that deep dish you've been dreaming about.
